Belonging?

3/26

Ever since I can remember, even now still, I have longed to feel like I belong—seen, understood, accepted and welcome as I am. Rarely happens. One might think I would have come to some understanding of this after all these years! But I think maybe I’m slowly beginning to finally get it.

I read this quote today from author Brene Brown...

“Stop walking through the world looking for confirmation that you don’t belong. You will always find it because you’ve made that your mission. Stop scouring people’s faces for evidence that you’re not enough. You will always find it because you’ve made that your goal.” WOW!

3/31

Thwack thwack thwack.

Silence.

Thwack thwack thwack.

Silence. THWUMP! THWUMP.

I text my downstairs neighbor wondering if he hears the noise, no.

After about ten minutes of this, I find a robin tapping on the living room picture window, then darting to the tree opposite, just to hurl himself at the glass. Over and over.

The next morning he is doing the same but on a different window...I call him looney bird.

Does his beak, his body not eventually recognize the difference between real and illusion? Does it not recognize hurt to his body to keep throwing himself against the window? What does he think he is banging into? Certainly not the naked trees reflected there. Even a mirror of his own birdness should not feel that hard and unyielding. Over and over.

4/04

Man this is Depressing!!!!!

After reading that Brown quote, I was messing around and wrote out some stuff about belonging, mostly from growing up but some even from now. UGH!  Look:

Belonging can be a bitch, you know? Always having to follow someone else’s rules, expectations, Et cetera of you. Have to make sure you’re not crossing some line, offending someone, pleasing everyone. To hell with all that!

4/18 I was thinking some more about Brown’s quote, and also what I wrote.  I used to believe belonging meant I had to live by others’ norms, rules, like get everyone’s approval—you know? Soooo, as much as I want it, I also fight against it.

4/25

Is belonging itself an illusion? A flimsy one at that?  Can folks belong and not belong at the same time? My sisters and brothers and I belong together because we are family, like it or not. But some are of one political party and others are another; some are deeply religious; others not at all. Belong to one group but not another. Same people.

I went to a series of short films made by various marginalized groups, immigrants, Indigenous, searching, re-rooting where they belong. I get it. I too long for this.   Yet while watching, I start to feel that each of these is another ring of separation, leaving others out. I guess we need to identify and belong to a group before we can think beyond that? Do we need to root in our history/story in order to let it go and belong to the larger human community? I wonder. Is this not the opposite of belonging if we can only show up in very specific limited persona? When do we start focusing on the whole tree and less on the rings of separation?

4/26

As I walk into the kitchen this morning, I again hear a familiar thwack, and I greet looney bird, who is now at the back window, standing on a ladder that is leaning on its side against the back wall. I imagine he is greeting me and wishing me a good morning.

I sit on the floor and gently tap, tap, tap on the window, trying to make contact. Startled, he sees me and is unsure what to do. I gently tap, tap, tap again and looney bird flies away.

Man can I relate! When it comes to relationships, I too seem to be a looney bird confusing illusions with reality; turning my desire for feeling special, for being wanted, into projections of mutual interest—illusions, over and over. Despite the big DO NOT DISTURB signs, I persist, ignoring messages I should be receiving from the hard knocks; on the rare occasion that someone does see me, does respond, I startle, unused to the illusion of aloneness being disturbed, and I disappear.

4/28

I no longer reach out to the guy downstairs I kept bugging.  Why keep knocking where I’m not wanted, and if I’m not wanted, then I certainly don’t belong there either.

4/30 A memory: Years ago, in my 20’s I did a three-month meditation retreat. Part of that time we each spent ten days alone in our rooms; meals would be brought and left outside the door. Aside from notes to make requests, I had no contact with other human beings. One day I was feeling very alone, isolated, disconnected from the rest of the group; this was a very familiar feeling but one I still had difficulty living with. When I knew everyone was in the meditation hall, I came out of my room to make a cup of tea. As I heard the voice of one of the teachers in the distance giving instructions, it suddenly dawned on me that no matter what, I too was always part of the group and I belonged. I was a part of the group having an experience of loneliness, isolation, and disconnection…that’s all. Amen.

5/15

I went to a holotropic workshop not long ago. I’ve been doing this for 30 years. There was a sense of safety and belonging in going to my depths and being met there, being able to be accepted there. It’s nice to be able to talk with folks who speak a similar language, know what I mean, and also don’t always have to explain, talk. I get it. Yes it was nice and also hard to leave but I did have to leave. And I take it with me.

Every day it seems I am dancing back and forth between Brown’s words, my old way of belonging, and this other knowing...what a dance!

5/17

I realized, upon waking up, that unless I’m in tune with my own heart and soul, my values, my own sense of right and wrong, in tune with the limits I am not willing to go beyond, unless and until I truly belong to myself none of the rest counts for much of anything.

5/19

I have been thinking—as an antidote to the previous list I made-- about other ways I belong. Here goes:

I belong in time... a link to the past and to the future.

I belong to life and nature.

I belong to the whole human race.

Is this too corny? I’ll keep thinking about this.

5/20

Looney bird is BACK and tapped 3x at the window this morning, just enough for me to look up and smile before he flew away. His feathers were indeed ruffled, must be bashing into lots of illusions these days...better him than me.