Saṃsāra

Levi woke up to the insistent sound of his alarm. It had the same rhyming beat as always, but for some reason, it sounded louder this morning, as though he had woken up for the first time in his life.

He sat up, stretching his back until he felt a satisfying pull in his shoulders. At thirty-five years old, his body ached in places that were vaguely familiar. By the time he’d made coffee, his thoughts drifted to his day ahead. General Manager at the local store. Sometimes, it felt strange to him, that title, as if it belonged to the lord of a fiefdom. His employees watched him with a cautious deference, a kind of fearful distance.

Sometimes he thought that life was passing him by, but he did appreciate a quiet return to his couch and television, where he could watch movies and sip on cold beer. Watching that exciting world unfold on screen was the only time he felt something close to wonder, a peculiar sensation that tugged at him but never stayed long enough. Levi often pictured himself living the many different lives of movie characters.

His daily commute, about a ten-minute walk, felt monotonous. It was nearly the holiday season, and the local shops were nauseatingly decorated in Christmas-themed lights and ornaments.

The large building had been repainted in pastel colors—­his own suggestion. Admiring the color scheme, Levi nearly slipped on black ice outside the entrance. He lunged over the deceitful step and walked in.

“Which one of you was responsible for clearing out the entrance?” he asked loudly to no one in particular. “I think it was Jonathan’s turn today,” responded Zainab, one of his morning employees from the checkout register.

“Well, tell him if that patch of black ice isn’t cleared, I’ll have to reconsider his raise,” said Levi coldly. Maybe it was the lack of restful sleep that was making him irritable.

Zainab quietly shuffled away to the breakroom as Levi pulled out his inventory checklist for the day. On his way to the household items section, he noticed a corner light flickering, reminding him of a scene from a horror movie he had recently watched. The absurdity of potential ghosts at his workplace amused him.

He noticed an older woman, likely a customer, browsing the shelves. Surprised, he approached her. “Good morning, ma’am! We have just opened. May I assist you?” he asked politely.

“Oh, you seem to be just the person I need,” said the woman. Her kind eyes felt familiar to Levi, as though he had seen them before, but her foreign accent suggested otherwise. It was an odd feeling; a quiet anemoia. He had only experienced it a few times in his life, and it never failed to unsettle him.

“Great! And what are we looking for today?” he responded, betraying no emotion.

“I was hoping you would show me where to find the books,” she replied. Levi groaned at the thought of walking this old lady back to the other end of the store.

“Of course, let me take you to them, ma’am,” he said.

The lady noticed his hesitation. “I am sorry to make you walk all the way back,” she said, catching him off guard.

“It’s no problem!” he replied. “I’d be happy to help.”

Slowly, both Levi and his customer were making their way to the other end of the store when she asked him a question.

“Where are you from? You look familiar to me,” she asked, looking straight into his brown eyes.

“I’m a local,” he said. “You are probably mistaking me for someone else.”

“No, I would say I have an excellent memory,” she continued. “Who were your parents?”

Levi brusquely stated, “I was adopted as a child.”

“You remind me of a man I knew a long time ago. He might have been your biological father,” she continued, closely studying his reactions.

Hearing those words, Levi felt a soft tug in his heart, as though he was being deliberately reminded of his long and miserable childhood. Snapping back at the woman, he said, “Mind your own business.”

Unwilling to back down, the woman stated, “This is my business, Latif.”

They had nearly walked to the front of the store.  “How do you know my old name?” he whispered, the words barely leaving his mouth.

“I know a thing or two about people,” she said, looking directly into his eyes, reaching under her sleeves. A tattoo was peeking out from under her sweater. “My name is Kari Nilsen. I am your godmother,” she said, moving her hands in a flash.

∞

Levi found himself in an unfamiliar space. A quiet calm enveloped him as clouds swirled around his body. Noticing some movement, he looked down at what appeared to be a city. The air smelled vaguely of burnt rubber. At least its touch felt refreshing. The city below didn’t seem like Boston. People were moving around like little ants, uniformly dressed in monochrome, with red and blue impressions about them.

He woke up on the floor of a hotel room. Grand and spacious, it had a large bed in the center surrounded by expensive wooden furniture.

Looking around, he did not notice anything different with his body, apart from a general sense of fatigue. Kari seemed busy in a corner, scrutinizing something on a desk. She had short hair and was wearing all black, quite noticeably different from her old lady’s outfit back in the store. The wrinkles on her face presented a peculiar contradiction to her overall look.

“What happened?” he asked.

Looking up, Kari smiled warmly at him and said,” Good morning, Levi. Isn’t that your name?”

“Yes, it is, but how did we get here? I remember just being in the store.”

“We’re still in Boston. We got here last night, don’t you remember?”

“No…” he trailed off, a little perplexed. “Who are you?”

“I am Kari, your godmother. I am sure you have many questions for me.”

So, he hadn’t dreamt that part. “Listen Kari, I’m sorry. I need to get back to my life. If this is about money, I don’t have any. If you could explain to me how I got here, I’d really appreciate it,” he said.

“I am sorry you feel confused, but we’re here for a reason. If you wish to go, there is nothing I can do to stop you,” she said in a kind, compassionate tone.

Levi’s mind felt like a muddled mess. He just couldn’t fathom what could have happened or potentially happened. “What reason?” he cautiously asked.

“All I am supposed to teach you, Latif, is that you have lived many lifetimes,” she said in a somber tone. Her wrinkles looked darker when she was serious and had an illusion of movement, as though they responded to her inner thoughts.

“I’m sorry, what?” he asked, bewildered. His inner instincts were setting off warning bells. Before she could clarify, he hurriedly said, “I think I need to get going.”

He stood up and slowly walked towards the door, expecting some form of resistance or protest. Kari did not move, just calmly watched him from her seat. Right before he stepped out of the room, she said, “I’ll be here for the next three days. Come back if you change your mind.”

Levi walked out of the hotel room and stepped into a lit hallway. The hotel elevators were located only a short distance away from the room, but the maroon carpeting kept drawing his attention. As he waited for the elevator, a worrying thought crossed his mind. He wondered whether his employees even showed up for work.

Once Levi reached the ground floor, he realized that he had spent the night in the fanciest hotel in town. A large chandelier hung over the entrance. Clearly, Kari was not hurting for money. The street outside, on the other hand, looked like a regular, filthy city street. Nearby, an apparently homeless man was rummaging through an overflowing trash can.

He wasn’t as far from his workplace as he initially feared. Walking towards the local bus stop, he politely stood behind a few people in the waiting area. Panicking, he checked his pockets and was relieved to find his phone, wallet, and keys right where he expected them to be. Perhaps he had misjudged Kari.

Grey clouds were rolling in from the horizon, which made Levi uneasy. He hated rain. It reminded him of his mother. The shutters in his childhood home used to shake at the ferocity of the wind. Levi always wondered why he’d been abandoned.

Sharp whistling sounds emanated from trees and lashing rain whipped those standing on the street. Most people rushed for cover. Levi decided to walk back into the hotel. He was already drenched, maybe he could wait. Bored, he decided to go back up to Kari’s room after an hour of staring silently outside the lobby. Sometimes, even unpleasant company was preferable to the burden of his darkest thoughts.

The room was open, and Kari was looking over some world maps when he cleared his throat to draw her attention.

“Welcome back,” she said, without any judgement. Levi sheepishly defended himself. “We seem to be caught in a storm. I can only wait till the buses start running again. I might as well hear more about my past.”

“Of course, I understand,” she responded with a smile. “What would you like to know?”

“How did you become my godmother? My parents never introduced me to you.”

“I was your godmother the day you were born,” she said. “Do you remember your father?”

“No, he died when I was very young,” said Levi. Slightly upset at his own indiscretion, he asked Kari in an urgent tone, “Why should I trust you? You don’t look like you belong here.”

“You must truly understand belonging,” said Kari, a hint of sarcasm in her voice. Her tattoos quivered ever so slightly. Levi seemed mesmerized. Before he could say something, she continued, “Maybe I could prove it. Is there something I can do or say?”

“Tell me something that only my mother or I would know,” he said. He was not sure of what to expect, given that Kari already knew about his birth name.

After a brief pause, Kari said, “I can tell you why your mother disappeared.”

No one, not even the authorities, knew what had truly happened that night. Levi’s breathing became uneven and rapid as the memory flashed back to him. He was hiding and watching from the window when there was a sharp bright light that nearly blinded him. His mother, who a moment ago was walking along the path, had disappeared into the night. His entire backyard looked as though it was covered in tiny silver mirrors, as the raindrops reflected the brightness of the mist.

“Both your parents were killed. The enemy was looking for you,” she said bluntly. Levi recoiled at the statement. He did know about his father’s death, but what about his mother?

“Killed? By whom? Who’s the enemy?” he asked, unsettled at the revelation. A thousand additional questions raced through his mind.

“The enemy. They are just like us—like you and me. We were born to fight, and we will be born again,” she said. Kari did not have an ounce of hesitation in her voice.

Although Levi had imagined himself as a warrior several times, hearing about it from a strange woman felt out of place. And what could she mean by born again? That sounded like religious nonsense.

“I find this difficult to believe,” he said.

“It takes time and training to understand, which is why I have come to get you,” she said with a warm smile and sad eyes. Levi could sense that she had done this many times before.

“And take me where? If I go with you, will I be able to come back?” he asked, still worried.

“Yes, you are free to do as you wish in this lifetime,” she replied.

Levi felt it odd to hear about his “lifetime.” Normal people did not speak this way, did they?

“Convince me,” he said. He was still skeptical.

Kari slowly got up. “Sure,” she responded, reaching out to touch Levi’s forehead with her index finger.

Levi was in the hotel lobby again. This time though, the only person he could see was the homeless man on the street, who had a dim red aura glowing around him. The man was coughing and ambling towards the alley. He laid down beside a dumpster and went to sleep.

His vision abruptly ended as he looked up at Kari’s finger. “That man will soon die of pneumonia. His side never found him,” she said with a serious face. Levi noticed Kari looked slightly bluish. He guessed he was part of the blue team.

“Understood,” he said to Kari. Despite his misgivings, he also felt something he had craved for a long time, the feeling of excitement. It gnawed at him, urging him to see these claims through.

He analytically sorted what he knew about Kari. She was rich, did not appear to be in some form of distress, and claimed to be his godmother. She also knew his birth name and had explanations for his most traumatic memories. If he went with her, what’s the worst that could happen?

“Okay, I’m interested. Where exactly do you plan to go?” he asked, surprised at his own decision.

“Scotland,” she stated.

∞

The next couple of days moved in a blur as Levi prepared for his trip. The district manager was not happy with his decision but had reluctantly agreed. On the day of their flight, both Levi and Kari were travelling light, with only one backpack each. He noticed Kari was a little worried.

“Is everything okay? You look tense,” he asked.

“I hope no one tracked us,” she replied, trying to sneak a look behind their seats. Only a mother and her five-year-old daughter sat there. Levi felt a little uneasy.

“Track us? Are we doing something illegal?” he asked anxiously.

“No…I just don’t like transporting recruits,” she said in a matter-of-fact way. Levi did not ask any follow-up questions. He had gotten used to Kari’s way of speaking, which often let slip an innate sense of boredom and only rarely made complete sense. He wondered how often she had had these conversations.

Soon after landing, Levi admired the landscape on the long bus ride. The trees and colorful houses on the way felt like something he’d once seen in a dream. A deep feeling of nostalgia washed over him once they set out on foot into a nearby forest.

Kari looked like she was in high spirits. While walking, she explained to Levi what the next couple of months were going to be like.

“This training is not for everyone. It is considered difficult and meant to bring out your latent talents,” she said, walking at a brisk pace.

Levi was struggling to match her speed, but he deemed it advisable not to complain. Catching his breath, he asked, “How do you know who’s on our side?”

“Good question. There are only a few who can identify the soul. If you show that ability, you will be taught how to.”

“Sounds good. Can we stop for a bit? I need to catch my breath,” he said.

Kari abruptly stopped at his suggestion and moved to sit on a nearby rock. “Let me know once you are ready.” Levi noticed her detachment towards him and to his specific needs.

“Thank you,” he said, looking around at the dark green of the forest leaves. He regretted bringing on the extra clothes in his backpack, his lower back gently throbbing with mild pain. While Kari was looking away, he snuck out a small flask and took a swig. He would get through this.

Nodding at Kari after a few moments, he continued to walk ahead. She had softened her pace, and he found it much easier to keep up with her this time around. “What kind of latent abilities?” he asked.

“It depends on the person,” she said, ending the conversation.

The trees cleared out as they approached a field. There was a large pond in the distance, while thin, tall reeds covered the muddy black soil. Nearer to them was a multistory wooden house, which seemed covered in moss.

“We’re here,” said Kari, immediately heading towards the house. Levi quietly followed, wondering whether he was expected to stay in this potentially abandoned house. He doubted there were many amenities nearby. His vacation plans were not as glamorous as he had hoped.

There was a wooden staircase attached to the house, offering direct access to the top level. The stairs creaked as they both walked up. Levi noticed the thorny plants that seemed to grow within the cracks of the hand railing. He wondered how long it had been since someone had maintained this place.

He was assigned to a small bed in a large room. The room itself was barely furnished, designed more like a dorm room than a guesthouse. The house did have a basic bathroom with a lukewarm shower, likely heated from some geothermal source of energy.

Dropping Levi off at the house, Kari set off once more to the nearby village to buy supplies. She told him that under no circumstances was he to wander outside by the pond on his own. The muddy, grassy field was treacherous and known for its thorny brush. If he was bored, she advised him to read some of the books in the library downstairs.

After a quick shower, he carefully walked down to the lower level, feeling uncomfortable in the darkness around the house. The distant trees appeared as pitch-black, amorphous shapes.

The lower level of the house was a collection of three rooms: one large library, a small kitchen, and an office. There was no electric lighting, just a large fireplace in the corner and several candlesticks scattered throughout the room. The walls were packed with large wooden shelves with rows and rows of books in a variety of colorful covers. He lit a candle and settled into a bulky chair.

The title of a dusty teal colored book read Resistance: Volume 3. Intrigued, he tried to read through the first few pages but gave up almost immediately. It seemed like a boring treatise on the philosophy of stoicism and its emphasis on virtue. Too boring.

The sound of footsteps outside told him that Kari had returned. The aged wood on the porch creaked under her weight as she opened the front door. Unfazed at his presence, she set down two large bags and asked, “Find anything interesting?”

“I was just looking around,” he responded. “Do you have any fiction?”

“Fiction? I highly doubt it,” she said. “I’d focus on finding something from the colored covers. As part of your training, you will be examined on one set.”

“Oh. I feel like I’m a little too old for school,” said Levi in a subdued tone. This was not what he had in mind when he agreed to “training.”

“No one is ever too old for school. Although we usually get younger recruits. There’s a color guide in the corner above the fireplace; try to see what you might find interesting. I’ll make some dinner tonight.”

Kari got to work taking the bags into the small kitchen. The guide was a single sheet of paper.

Teal: Psychology, Red: Martial Arts, Grey: History and Religion, Blue: Chemistry, Green: Wilderness Medicine and Survival Skills, Orange: Economics, and Yellow: Physics.

“That’s just great,” Levi muttered to himself. He was a business major in college and pretty much none of those topics appealed to him, except maybe martial arts. He had seen enough movies to know that martial arts skills were cool.

He was still daydreaming when Kari walked into the room with two bowls of oatmeal. “I got some toppings here,” she said while gesturing to the small bowl of nutritional yeast and soy sauce. Startled, Levi looked at the bowls and said, “Oh, good.”

Levi had trouble sleeping that night. The darkness made him feel claustrophobic. By the time it was the first light, he was surprisingly eager to get going.

“I was wondering where you’d slept last night, is there another house nearby?”

“Do not worry about where I come and go. Your first lesson for today is to learn about maintaining self-awareness. Once you are done with breakfast, meet me outside,” she said.

Politely complying with her request, Levi finished up quickly. He found her sitting quietly on the porch. “I’m ready,” he said. Kari looked up and gestured for him to follow her. Without saying a single word, she made her way to the pond, occasionally looking back to see where Levi was. Initially, he found the walk pleasant, but it did not take him long to step into a small, mud-filled sinkhole. Cursing to himself, he extracted his foot with difficulty and accidentally grabbed a thorny plant nearby.

Kari smiled watching Levi struggle to get his bearings. This was a ritual for every recruit. The field had probably tasted his blood many times. Unfortunately, not everyone made it to this specific field in every lifetime.

With his boots squelching because of the mud, Levi daubed his palm on his shirt to stem the slight trickle of blood. What a disaster, he thought to himself. “Where are we going?” he yelled towards Kari.

“We’re going for a swim,” she yelled back.

“Wait, I’m not a good swimmer!” he shouted, rushing to catch up with her. Kari was already near the pond’s edge. It took him more than an hour to reach her. He felt incompetent and embarrassed at his state.

“Recognize those feelings you are currently experiencing,” she said warmly. “This is all for today. Now we head back, clean up, and start with your studies. Tomorrow and the day after, we will repeat this process, but you will be on your own. I will choose the starting point, but you must choose the path.”

Frustrated, Levi quietly contemplated her words. He felt determined to prove her judgement wrong. Not only would he do this training, but he’d also do it better than anyone else before him.

∞

By the end of two weeks, Levi was as efficient as Kari at moving around the area. He had also started swimming in the cool waters of the pond, despite initial hesitation. His studies, on the other hand, were lagging.

He spent most evenings poring over the books. Even Kari, despite her deliberate non-attachment, looked impressed at his tenacity. It was after one particularly grueling day that both Kari and Levi shared their first dream.

The setting was an unknown city. The teenage boy was being escorted by a man. Both were dimly lit in blue. They were clearly on the run from something. It wasn’t long before a black van stopped beside them, and a couple of masked figures jumped out, red auras about them. Within seconds, both the boy and man had faded from existence.

Levi had become better at interpreting his dreams. The mild alcohol withdrawal had already exposed him to his own naked thoughts. When he brought up the dream to Kari, and what he thought of it, he did not expect her to act so solemn.

“I had the same dream last night. I guess this means you are ready to move on,” she said in a bittersweet voice.

It was at that point when Kari asked him to dive to the bottom of the pond. From swimming in it, Levi could tell it was deep enough, or perhaps just murky enough, that he could not see the bottom; however, he had learnt to take these challenges in his stride. She was probably just testing him and his attachment to life. What she said next, however, was not what he expected.

“If you wish to return to your regular life, now would be the time to say so. Once you cross the threshold, what you learn will stay with you for the remainder of your life, wherever you are,” she said. For the first time, Levi sensed that Kari felt deeply about him.

He thought about her ominous words. It was unclear what she meant, but he had come to enjoy the simple meals and quiet evenings. “I want to learn,” he said.

The pond was a little colder than the past few days, but the occasional pockets of heated water felt more nourishing than usual. Following Kari’s instructions, Levi made a beeline towards the center, where he would make his dive. It did not take him much effort to get there, but his apprehension was preventing him from making the attempt. What if he drowned?

Taking a deep breath, he dove under, frantically paddling to reach the bottom before he ran out of air.

After a few meters below the surface, he noticed a flickering layer of water. It did not look solid but instead, appeared like a translucent, silvery veil. Patches of iridescent light reflected the movement of the water on the surface.

Fighting his anxiety, Levi steadily swam towards the veil. As soon as he crossed it, he was transported back to his past.

He’d traveled back to the night his mother disappeared. It was raining heavily, and he could see the trees swaying in his parents’ backyard. Interestingly, he found that his perspective was from the outside. He saw his mother step out of the darkened house, and his own tiny face at the window. A flood of emotion passed through him as he recalled what his mother looked like. Her features had faded in his mind over the years but seeing her in the flesh brought back a deep sense of longing. Levi reached out to touch her face.

His mother abruptly froze at his touch. It felt like an eternity passed in that moment, before she shattered into tiny iridescent crystals.

Levi woke up to a sharp sensation of pain. Kari was beside the bed, quietly reading a book with a green cover. He cleared his throat.

“Welcome back,” she said with a smile on her face. “It’s only been a few hours, but you passed the test.”

Wondering what she meant, Levi slowly sat up in bed. The pain instantly faded till he could no longer pinpoint the source. How did he get here? Was that another dream or did it really happen?

“What happened? I don’t remember anything after diving down,” he asked. He hoped Kari would clarify.

“That’s normal. Sometimes, when you’re dreaming of the past, you fail to notice the present,” she said.

Levi felt like he understood the meaning behind her cryptic words. She slowly stood up and headed downstairs, letting him know she was going to cook some dinner. He went back to sleep.

As he’d learn more about Kari, he’d come to accept their differences. Everyone’s circumstances made them who they were, and a little compassion went a long way. Levi realized that non-attachment extended to ideas, including his expectations of other people.

Over the next month or so, Levi learnt more about the war. Each side had to keep passing their knowledge along before they were all killed. Kari trained him in this lifetime, so that he can train her, and others like her, in the next one. Describing the enemy, or even writing about them, was forbidden.

The objective of this war was already lost to time. Kari had spent most of her life trying to recover it. Now it was Levi’s turn to carry it forward.

∞

Back in Boston, Levi’s employees noticed a subtle change in his behavior. His expectations of them were still as high as ever, but his demeanor exuded a calm presence. He was also more willing to show people how he wanted things done, instead of demanding that they be done for him.

Both Jonathan and Zainab felt happier in their jobs. The staff break room was being decorated for the July 4^th holiday. Levi, surprisingly, wanted to set up the difficult props himself. He even showed them how to select and organize colors to draw people in, instead of overwhelming them with intensity. His new presence had already motivated Zainab. Despite her family’s misgivings, she had enrolled in the local community college to learn graphic design.

It was after the holiday party when they noticed him frantically searching for something. Someone had broken into his office over the extended weekend to steal some books.

Levi drew a long breath. The thief had simply managed to walk into his office and take his teal volume on psychology, clearly a person who recognized the significance of that book. He exhaled slowly and reminded himself that knowledge could not be stolen.

Security would need to be fixed, but he would write another copy. He could also take a short trip to his nearest ally—a couple of towns over—who could help him. This meant taking a break from work, but the change of pace might be fruitful. All in good time, he thought to himself.

That night, Levi received a phone call from Norway. It was Kari’s wife. She just wanted to let Levi know that the time had come.

Saying goodbye to Kari was the hardest test he had to pass. He dreamt of tattoos fading into grey and walking through meadows of colorful wildflowers. Bright blues turned into deep reds, and back again.