“studies show,” “alternate universe in which i do not write lists,” and “because i must”

in this poem i will assess all the winding routes to betterment

 

examine                 my inner-workings

and optimize them

                                                                                 make another list

a financial report

                    break down my existence                                   into simple word problems

because there must be

 

                                                            an easier way

 

                                                                                                       to solve my never-ending dilemma

document my problems

                     like a sociology study

 

how much can a 24 year old female work before mental health depreciates?

 

find the ideal ratio of work      and play

use the facts to

                     argue the case to myself

 

studies show you shouldn’t be tired yet

 

isolate myself

                                         from my emotions

search

                                                              for the statistical solution

 

research suggests

                    it would be best

                                         to limit the outpouring of your feelings to just one hour per day

 

so go on

if you must

the clock is ticking.

i do not write lists

not of groceries

nor of today’s to-dos.

i do not write reminders

not with timers or alarms

not with scattered sticky notes

around my apartment

nor with sharpie on the insides

of my palms.

i do not use calendars

certainly not ones littered

with more reminders of plans

nor lists of pre-planned to-dos.

i simply coast from camp to camp

knowing what i must do next.

i sleep for exactly eight hours.

no more and no less.

i awake

perfectly capable of executing

task after task.

i obey my own rules

prompts and encouragements

even when I do not want to.

i work long and hard and enough.

i allow and enjoy

preplanned leisure

like this very moment right now.

i write because i must

and because i know it will make me happy

and because one day like a stubborn tree

it will turn fruitful

and then i will reap my fruits

and then i will sleep in

and then i will never have to will myself

to do anything else ever again;

it will just come naturally.