A Dad

“He’s coming.” Krystina is the first nurse who spots the new patient’s stretcher in the hallway. Two paramedics walk on each side of the stretcher. Each one holds the rail: one is slightly in the front, the other in the back on the opposite side.

Krystina rushes into the corner room where Julie and Jenny are preparing the patient’s arrival. She waves at Julie, the charge nurse, and then points to the door. Julie gives her a nod of understanding and gestures to Jenny and Krystina to stand by the bedside, one on each side. She straightens her scrub uniform and waits by the door.

Having had just a handful of young patients from the war in the recent two years, the staff are still apprehensive. Perhaps it’s because of the high expectation? Not only from the families. But also, their own.

As soon as everyone in the room assumes their position, the stretcher arrives. “Is this room 105?” One of the paramedics affirms.

“Yes, is this Mr. Anthony Anderson?” Julie asks in return.

“Yes, are you his nurse?”

Seeing Julie nods, the man picks up a pile of paper at the edge of the stretcher and hands it to her.

“Thank you.” Julie takes the papers and verifies the name, date of birth and diagnosis.

Name: Anthony Anderson

Date of birth: 02/04/1987 21 years old. Still a child, Julie says silently.

Diagnosis: TBI (traumatic brain injury) 

“Can we help you put him in bed?” the man asks.

“Yes, please. Thank you.”

The two men carefully slide a hard plastic board under the patient and wheel the stretcher closer to the bed. They adjust the height of the stretcher to be even with the bed. One man walks to the opposite side of the bed. They both hold the board up. One asks with his eyes, “Ready?” The other nods. One counts by nodding, one, two, three. Then they lift the board slightly up and glide it to the bed smoothly.

The transfer looked so effortless, as if a leaf floating in a lake. Afterwards, the paramedics pull the board out and place it back on the stretcher.

The nurses watch these two men finish their job. They approach the bed and see the young man has his eyes closed. His chest rises and falls evenly. He sleeps like a baby. Jenny and Krystina nod at each other. Carefully, they adjust his position in the bed.

One paramedic asks Julie in a low voice, “Do you need anything else?”

“No. Thank you,” Julie replies. She signs the paper and gives the pack back to the man.

“Thank you,” the man says. Then, they wave their hands and push the stretcher out of the room. Before they leave, they turn their head to get a last look of the patient as if to say Good luck boy.

Now, the three nurses gather once again by the bedside. They see a tall and slim young man with a pale face, a long neck, and a fair complexion. There is a two-inch-long surgical scar on the left side of his scalp behind the ear. They knew he was injured by an improvised explosive device (IED) in Iraq, has a severe TBI, and is here for Rehab.

Jenny and Krystina unroll the sheet and the blanket from the foot of the bed up to the patient’s chin with cat-like motion. Julie watches. None of them speak. They almost hold their breath. They have the same idea: Don’t wake him up. Let him rest.

Since the patient’s room is situated in the corner of the unit, its door is facing the hallway, connected to the elevators. While Jenny and Krystina continue settling him down, Julie is already wondering, Does he have a family? Are they coming? She walks toward the door to look out.

At this moment, a woman enters the hallway from the elevator. From her hurried steps, Julie suspects she must be the new patient’s mother.

The woman is tall and slender. She wears a navy-blue jacket, well-fitted blue jeans and a pair of white sneakers. She has long legs and walks with toes turned out. Her movement is elegant and graceful, and even with haste, she appears gliding rather than walking.

In no time, the woman appears at the door. Julie is grabbed right away by her anxious look and fear in her eyes. Julie has seen these kinds of eyes before. A shade of distrust that means if a mother doesn’t watch her child closely enough, something might happen imminently.

Julie greets the woman once she is inside. “Good morning, I’m Julie, the charge nurse on the unit. Are you Mr. Anderson’s mother?”

“Yes. I’m Maggie. Tony is my son.” She points to the patient.

“Nice to meet you,” Julie says. Then she turns to the other two nurses in the room and points to one then the other, “This is Jenny and that is Krystina.”

“Hi, nice to meet you.”

At this distance, there is no need for introduction. Tony is an image of Maggie. Maggie has dark brown curly hair, an oval shaped face with a fair complexion, and a long neck. She looks to be in the early forties.

Maggie nods at the nurses. Then her eyes are pulled toward Tony. The sight of his peaceful breathing gives her relief. Her shoulders drop. She turns her head to scan the room from corner to corner.

At this moment, a man appears at the door.

From the first sight, the nurses think the man must have come to the wrong room. The man is short, about five inches shorter than Maggie. There is absolutely no resemblance between him and Tony. His body has the shape of a barrel, overweight, but sturdy. He’s clean-shaven, with no complexion to talk about. The shape of the face is square marked with deep wrinkles. Wait, are they wrinkles or scars? It’s hard to tell from several feet away. Plus, it’s not polite to stare at someone’s face. His pepper and gray hair tells them he is almost sixty years old.

The man waves at Maggie who nods back. Without asking, he walks in with a slight limp. He introduces himself, “Hi, I’m James. He’s, my son.” His chin points to Tony.

Julie is relieved. Tony has both parents. She says warmly, “Nice to meet you. I’m Julie, the charge nurse today.” She then introduces the two nurses again, “This is Jenny and that is Krystina.”

Both nurses nod to say hello.

At this moment, the rehab doctor, Dr. Wu, arrives. The doctor wears her usual white coat. Part of the stethoscope rubber tube hangs out from her right pocket. She glances at everyone, then walks toward Maggie and extends her hand. “Hi, I’m Dr. Wu, Mr. Anderson’s doctor. You must be Mrs. Anderson?”

Maggie shakes hands with Dr. Wu and says, “Yes. I’m Tony’s Mom, Maggie.”

“Nice to meet you,” the doctor says. Then she steps toward the man and extends her hand again, “Good morning, you are Mr. Anderson?”

James leans forward slightly and shakes hands with the doctor. “Call me James. I’m his dad.”

“A pleasure to meet you.” The doctor notices James’ hand is so calloused that it felt like leather.

James nods without smiling. He stares straight into the doctor’s eyes as if to say don’t mess with my son.

Dr. Wu glances at Maggie and sees sadness, worry, and fear in her eyes.

Maggie steps closer to James.

A sick child unites a couple the nurses and the doctor think.

Dr. Wu walks to Tony’s side. Although Tony’s eyes are closed, the doctor recognizes Maggie’s feature in his. She notices a perceivable twitch of his eyelids. He is awake. She speaks tentatively, “Good morning, Tony, how are you? I’m Dr. Wu, your new doctor.”

Tony opens his eyes lazily, then closes them without a word.

“How do you feel, Tony? How was the trip?” the doctor tries again.

No reply.

“Are you tired, Tony? You want me to come back later? I can come back later to see you.”

Seeing Tony doesn’t answer, James walks closer with a limping gait. He calls, “Tony.” His voice is low and short.

No reply.

“Toony.” He raises his voice.

Tony opens his eyes then closes again as if his eyelids are heavy.

“Tony.” James raises his voice a bit more.

“Don’t worry. I can come back in an hour or so,” the doctor says.

James gives the doctor the look of let me do my way. He says firmly, “Tony, I know you can hear us. Open your eyes. The doctor is talking to you.”

Nothing happens.

The doctor says calmly, “Tony must be tired. He got up early today and the trip can be exhausting for someone who has had a brain injury. Let him rest for now. Anyway, I need to order his medications and some blood tests. By the time he wakes up, I’ll be done.”

James’ Adam’s Apple moves up and down once. He cedes unwillingly.

Maggie watches James. She is familiar with his looks. Her shoulders drop. Thank God, Jim won’t make a big deal on day one.  

But before the doctor steps out of the room, James adds, “Tony, let me tell you. You’re here for therapy. You’d better work hard. If you don’t work with the team, let me tell you, you can’t go home.” His words sound like a declaration, meaning I’m in control.

The doctor doesn’t want to confront James on day one either. She says to him, “Don’t worry. Tony looks comfortable now. I’ll be right back.” Then she leaves.

The nurses follow. They already feel the tension in the air.

Back at the nursing station, Jenny let out a breath. She says to Krystina, “Oh dear, I feel so sad seeing this kid.”

“He has a baby face. It makes him look even younger than his age.” Krystina agrees.

“Just by looking at him, I could tell he’s Maggie’s son. I bet Maggie was a professional ballet dancer before. I can tell from the way she walks. It’s like floating,” Jenny says.

Hearing their conversation, Julie sighs. “Didn’t you see her eyes? That sadness. She looks so anxious.”

“I saw that. Who wouldn’t be? In a new place,” Krystina says.

“Her look makes me nervous,” Jenny adds.

“When a child is sick and vulnerable, the mother can turn into a wolf or a predator. She has to be on the watch all the time to defend her child. I remember those days when my kids were little,” Julie says.

Both Jenny and Krystina nod. They too have young children.

“Tony has survived the war. She can’t afford to have anything happen to him now or have anything go wrong,” Jenny adds. 

“Hey, is it strange, there is no resemblance between Tony and James?” Krystina blinks her cat’s eyes.

“Yeah.” Jenny nods.

“To be honest, the way he talked to Tony makes me uncomfortable,” Krystina says.

“Me, neither. The poor kid has just arrived,” Jenny agrees.

“Somehow he reminds me about my husband.” Julie touches her chin with her fingers.

“He does?” Jenny asks. The nurses have heard about Julie’s husband. He has PTSD.

“Many men are like this. They’re the no pain no gain type. They want their children, especially sons, to be tough.”

“That’s true. My dad was the same way with my brothers,” Jenny says.

“Let’s hope they’ll adjust to this new place soon,” Julie says.

It turns out that Tony wakes up only at lunch time. Is it because of the smell of the Lasagna? Or he is hungry. Anyway, Julie is happy. She gestures at Dr. Wu who is waiting at the nursing station to come in.

Dr. Wu walks to Tony’s bedside and greets him again, “Hello, Tony. How are you?”

“G...ood.” Tony says.

It’s good to hear him speak.

“Are you hungry?” Julie asks as if she’s talking to her grandchild.

He nods.

“Do you want to get up?” the doctor asks. She signals Julie we may as well see how he sits up. 

Tony doesn’t reply.

Dr. Wu says, “Let’s get up. It’s better to eat sitting up in a chair.” She points to the armchair next to the bed.

In fact, from the medical record, they have learned that Tony can perform basic activities of daily living, such as feeding and dressing himself, getting in and out of bed, walking with a walker and using the toilet with supervision. His balance is poor on uneven terrain and stairs. His main challenge is his impaired cognition and communication.

Julie rolls the blanket down. She pushes on the control button on the bedrail. The head of the bed folds up bringing Tony into a sitting position.

At this moment, Maggie comes in from outside, alone, holding a cold sandwich in her hand. She says, “Oh, doctor and Julie, I’m sorry, I went to the canteen to grab something to eat.”

“No problem. See, Tony is awake. He’s about to get out of bed.” Julie smiles. Then she asks Tony, “You need help to sit in the chair, Tony?”

“No, he doesn’t,” Maggie replies for him. She turns to Tony and says softly, “Honey, show them what you can do. You sit in the chair by yourself.”

Tony obeys. He brings his legs down slowly, stands up, walks a few steps, turns, then sits down. He does it without obvious effort.

“Good job, Tony.” Both the doctor and Julie praise him in unison.

Julie wheels the tray table close to him and opens the cover of the plate. “Look, what do we have here!” Julie pretends to make an exacerbated inhalation.

“Wow. It looks nice. Lasagna. It’s your favorite, Tony,” Maggie says.

Tony’s Adam’s Apple goes up and down once. Without waiting, he picks up the knife and fork on the tray, cuts a big chunk of the lasagna and brings it to his mouth. The doctor and Julie watch him with wide eyes. They look at Maggie: Isn’t this piece too big for him? Maggie smiles to say, It’s okay. It’s just a hungry teenager’s bite. The doctor and Julie observe Tony eating with relief.

After such a heavy lunch, Tony needs a nap again. Maggie stays in the room with him, eating her cold sandwich.

Julie brings Maggie a cup of tea. Maggie thanks her. Julie places the overbed table near Tony’s bed, then makes sure there is a Kleenex box, a pile of paper cups, a pitch of water on it. Pointing to the call button, she says to Maggie, “Call me if you need anything. Don’t let Tony get out of the bed without a nurse present.”

“Okay, thanks,” Maggie nods again.

Two hours later, Maggie pushes the call button. Julie comes in right away. “Is he awake?” she asks.

“Yes, Tony wants to use the toilet.”

“Okay,” Julie says. She walks over and helps Tony sit up. She brings his walker next to him and watches him stand up and walk to the washroom.

“He can do it by himself,” Maggie tells Julie.

“Oh, then I’ll wait here.” Julie waits by the door. When Tony walks out, she walks in and inspects inside. The floor is clean. She flushes the toilet and leaves, thinking, One more checkbox is done. Tony can use the washroom by himself. 

Julie turns to the clock on the wall and asks, “Do you want to sit up in the chair, Tony? Your therapist should be here at any moment.”

Tony sits down in the chair. He has rested now. He looks around his new room with his mouth open slightly as if to ask Where am I?

At two o’clock sharp, Michelle, the physical therapist (PT), arrives. Michelle is tall and slender, a good match for Tony in height. Michelle has an outgoing personality and is good at motivating patients.

Seeing Tony sitting up in the chair, Michelle is happy. She greets him, “Hi, Tony, I’m Michelle. Good to see you. How are you?” She flashes a big smile.

Tony glances at Michelle without saying a word. Who?

“Tony. You want to come with me to the gym? We’ll have fun there.” Michelle gestures with her hands, smiling.

Tony doesn’t move.

Does he understand?

“Oh, going to the gym. Tony, you liked going to the gym,” Maggie coaxes.

“No.” Tony shakes his head. The word gym reminds Tony of something not really “fun.” Not compared to football or baseball fields.

“Why not? Our gym is really fun. We have colored cones on the floor. Let’s see if you can beat me on walking around them without hitting one. I bet you can win.”

Tony sits like a statue.

Does he understand? she asks Maggie.

“Tony, cones. Remember those cones? You were good at going around them. And you liked the red ones.” Maggie is familiar with this obstacle trail.

“Oh, yes, how about you get the red ones, I’ll have the blue ones.” Michelle rubs her hands.

Tony shakes his head. What cones?

“Hey, Tony, if you come with me, you can get a treat.”

Tony raises his head. His eyes meet Michelle’s with a question mark.

She shakes her head. “It’s a secret.” Michelle flashes her white teeth.

Tony’s eyes are begging. Tell me, tell me.

“Come, let’s go. You’ll find out. I promise.” Michelle puts the walker in front of Tony.

Tony hesitates for a second, then he stands up and asks, “Where?”

“Let’s go, I’ll show you.”

Tony walks with Michelle out of the room. “Look Tony, you’re tall.” Michelle raises her chin and gestures with her hand at his head.

Tony keeps walking and asks, “What’s the treat?”

“You’ll see. Only if you win,” Michelle says.

The therapists including Michelle are aware of Tony’s behavioral problem from his previous therapists’ hand-off calls, “he has a three-year-old mind.”  Michelle knows they have challenges ahead.

After the therapy session, Michelle gives Tony a chocolate-flavored ice cream, his favorite.

The next morning, Krystina waits for Julie at the nursing station. The moment she sees Julie coming out of Tony’s room, she waves at her. Julie walks over and says, “Hi, Krystina, what’s up?”

Krystina says, “I just wonder if you’ve seen Maggie this morning? I saw her earlier. Her eyes were red. I wonder if she was crying or didn’t sleep well.”

Krystina is very observant. Her nickname is “detective.” There is no detail that is too small to escape her. Julie says, “Thank you for letting me know. It could be both. Let me talk to her when I get a chance. She needs support.”

“Yes. I think it’s better you talk to her. You’re the charge nurse and are older than her. She’ll trust you.”

Julie knows Maggie worries about Tony. She saw the way James acted yesterday. Maggie seemed to be on edge. Perhaps she tried to shield Tony from him?

Tony wakes up, around 7:30 a.m. He slept well. He eats his breakfast in double portions and takes a nap. Before nine o’clock, he wakes up again. After using the toilet, he sits up in the chair. Michelle arrives at nine o’clock. She greets Maggie and Julie in the room first. Then she tells Tony that they are going to play a new game called ring tossing. “How is that? Look, you can have your favorite color.” She flashes her usual big smile with a red plastic ring in her hand.

“Wh...what game?” Tony asks.

Michelle takes out two more rings, one blue and one white. “See, these are our flag colors. You’ll throw it like this.” She gestures as if she throws one into the distance. “It’s not hard. We’ll start at three feet or two if you like.” She watches Tony to see if he pays attention. “And,” she raises her voice, “if you win, you’ll get a prize.”

“Wh..what’s th..the pr...prize?”

“I can’t tell you now. Come. You’ll see.”

Tony leans forward but he doesn’t move.

“Come on, Tony. You don’t want to play with me?” Michelle presses her lips down.

Tony stands up.

“You’re so nice, Tony.” Michelle pats him on his shoulder. They walk out of the room together. Michelle turns back to wink at Maggie and Julie triumphantly to say see ya.

Julie smiles and waves to say good job.

Julie is in the room with Maggie. She rearranges Tony’s bedsheet, pillows, and changes the blue pad. She throws a few glances at Maggie quickly. Maggie stands by the window. She has dark circles under her eyes. Julie points to the recliner in the room and says, “Maggie, if you’re tired, please feel free to rest when you get a chance. And, if you need anything, such as tea or coffee, you don’t need to go to the canteen. We have them at the nurses’ lounge. Don’t hesitate to ask.”

“That’s very kind of you,” Maggie says, not moving.

Julie sets the over-the-bed table again and makes sure there is enough supplies. She wonders why Maggie doesn’t go to the gym to see how Tony is doing. Perhaps she wants to talk to me? So, she says, “Maggie, you must worry about Tony a lot. From what we heard, he’s come a long way. Let’s hope he’ll make more progress here.”

Maggie nods with an expression that says, I hope so, but I’m not sure.

Julie’s heart sinks. “I understand. It feels slow.”

Maggie nods. Too slow.

“Is Tony your only child?”

“Yes,” Maggie says. Her lips tremble.

Julie sees her eyes turn red.  She can’t find the right words to console her. She realizes she asked a stupid question. I should have asked, “Does Tony have siblings?’” No. That’s not right either. Having more than one kid or having siblings won’t make it easier. All mothers know that.

Maggie walks toward the door and says apologetically, “I’ll go to the gym to see how he’s doing down there.”

Perhaps she wants a breath of fresh air? “Okay,” Julie says. She tries to smile but can’t.

By the third day, the therapists have gotten to know Tony better. PT, OT (occupational therapist) and speech therapist have found their own tactics to convince Tony to work with them. That usually takes the first several minutes of their therapy sessions.

On the nursing side, it is clear that Tony needs twenty-four-hour supervision. They don’t want him wandering around, losing balance, or getting up late for therapy sessions. They’ve gotten a taste of what’s ahead of Maggie and James in the long run. They share their burden and pressure.

Because of this, every detail, especially Tony’s family dynamics alarms the staff. On Thursday morning, not seeing James again, Jenny feels worried. She sits beside Krystina at the nursing station. She elbows Krystina and whispers, “Kris, Have you noticed James hasn’t come for a couple of days?”

Being the “detective” of the unit, how can James’ missing in action escape Krystina? She tries to be analytical. “Yes. But Tony is medically stable. He doesn’t need both parents here.”

“Maggie looks very tired,” Jenny says.

“I saw that. Perhaps they should alternate.” She scratches her head.

“That’s not up to us.”

“Of course,” Krystina says.

“I’m afraid. Remember Jose?”

“Yes, don’t mention him. What kind of dad did he have?” Krystina says.

“Yeah. That’s why I worry.”

Krystina nods. Jose’s Dad was divorced from his mother and never came to see him. Unfortunately, this kind of sad case sticks in one’s mind forever.

“It’s a stressful situation for them. Sometimes stress can cause a family to...” Jenny stops.

Standing at an earshot distance, Julie overhears their conversation. “Let’s hope James isn’t sick. I saw he was limping the other day.”

“Oh, yes,” Krystina nods. My God. Please don’t add more bad things to this family.

Jenny makes a cross on her chest, mumbling in her mind Oh, God, where are you?  

Knowing Jenny is an atheist like herself, Krystina wants to roll her eyes. She refrains. We need all the resources we can get, including the supernatural.

With the idea that James might be ill in her mind, Julie feels unsettled. Later that day, Julie finds a moment when Maggie is alone in Tony’s room. She brings a cup of chamomile tea to her.

“Oh, thank you, Julie. It’s so thoughtful of you.” Maggie takes the cup with both hands.

“Oh, be careful. It’s hot. It’s chamomile tea. I hope you like it,” Julie says.

Maggie sips a little of the tea and puts the cup down by the window.

Julie doesn’t leave. She can see fine wrinkles on Maggie’s face and dark circles under her eyes. She asks carefully, “How are you, Maggie?”

“I’m good. You people here are very supportive. I feel more comfortable now.”

“That’s what we are here for. Please let us know if you need anything. We’ll do our best to help you.”

“Thank you. I really appreciate that.”

Julie hesitates a moment, then asks, “How is James? Is he okay?”

“Yeah,” Maggie replies.

“May I sit down with you for a little while?” Julie asks, glancing at the chair next to Maggie.

“Sure,” Maggie says.

Julie brings the chair close to Maggie. “Let’s sit down a little bit.”

Julie looks into Maggie’s eyes and begins. It’s my nursing habit. I watch people all the time. I saw James limping a bit the other day. Is he in pain of some sort? I hope he isn’t sick. I know this isn’t my business. I’m just worried, especially since Tony still needs help.”

“Oh, that. That’s from an old injury. Jim was in the Vietnam War and lost his leg below the knee. He has had a prosthetic leg since then. He’s been walking like that for a few decades.”

“Oh, I see. So, James is a veteran? My husband too. My husband used to work in the engineering department during the Vietnam War. His job was to repair military vehicles.”

“Really? How is he?” Maggie asks, looking curious.

“He’s...well, it’s hard to say anyone who went to the war is okay when they come back. He has PTSD. He still needs help with it.”

“James...too,” Maggie nods thoughtfully.

“With Tony’s injury, it must be tough for him.”

“Yes. He has flashbacks.”

“I can’t imagine. How about you?”

“To be honest, it’s hard for me too.”

“I bet.” Julie nods.

“Tony is my only son.” Maggie’s eyes well.

Julie nods to say you told me. She walks over to the end table and brings the Kleenex box to Maggie.

“Thanks. I’m sorry. Every time...” she chokes.

“Don’t be. I understand. We’ve had a few young patients in our Rehab Unit. Tony...” she avoids saying is lucky, “...is the only one who has both parents.”

Maggie nods, sniffing. She doesn’t know if that’s a blessing or a curse. If only Julie knew.

“I see you’re tired. I’ll leave you alone. You need some quiet time. Call me whenever you want to talk to me. Remember we’re here for Tony and for you too.”

Maggie sniffs again. She is too moved to say thank you.

In the late afternoon, Julie talks to Dr. Wu about Maggie. “She’s very sad and keeps on saying Tony is her only son. And she told me that James is a veteran and has PTSD and a below the knee amputation. I told her that my husband is also a veteran and has PTSD. I hope she can relate to me and talk to me more later.”

“No wonder James limps and looks older than Maggie. They have a big difference in life experience and age. I hope talking to you will help her.”

“It’s a challenge. Even though my husband and I are about the same age, his wartime experience alone makes it hard for me to understand him. His temper outburst often comes out of nowhere.”

“PTSD has long lasting effects. When you say an outburst comes out of nowhere, that’s because we can’t know where, but they know.”

“True. I hope her family dynamic won’t complicate things,” Julie nods.

One never knows.

It turns out that James comes to the hospital regularly twice a week, on Mondays and Thursday afternoons. For good or bad, these days, Tony obeys the therapists without a fuss. James’ no-nonsense commander’s presence works magic. Here is what he says, “Tony, do you want to go home? If you do, you have to do your exercises with them, or else, I’ll not take you home.” These words sound harsh, but beat the “games,” “treats,”, or “prizes.” After all, Tony was a soldier. He follows orders. Plus, Tony understands the words, go home. He wants to go home. Who can blame him? He’s twenty-one.

Despite Tony's passiveness, even in the first week, Tony has made progress in balance and mobility. He can walk with a cane instead of a walker and climb a few flights of stairs with supervision only. Motivation and lack of energy is still the major hurdle. The James' effect is temporary: only on the days or moments when James is around.

On Monday, the second week of Tony’s stay, James and Maggie come in the morning together. While they are in the room, Michelle and Grace and an OT arrive. The therapists plan a co-treatment session with Tony today. It is a mock trip to the canteen where PT wants to see how Tony navigates in the aisles, and OT will assess his ability to reach and hold objects while moving.

Knowing James’ military style, Michelle gives James and Maggie a wink to signal let us talk to Tony first. 

James wants to position himself close to Tony. Maggie elbows him not to. James stops.

Michelle says cheerfully, “Hey, Tony, guess what?”

Tony opens his eyes to ask what?

“Remember we’re going to buy something at the canteen today.” Michelle gives him a big smile. She knew Tony probably won't remember what they said on Saturday.

Tony’s mind is blank. Buying something in the canteen? It doesn’t sound exciting to him.

“You have choices, Tony. You can buy a muffin, a donut, or a yogurt. They have a lot of stuff there,” Grace adds.

A muffin or a donut? Tony swallows.

James glances at the clock on the wall. Losing his patience, he puts his hands on his hips and says, “Tony, get up. It’s time for therapy.”

Tony doesn’t move. He doesn’t even lift his head up.

“If you don’t do what they tell you to do, I won’t bring you home.” He uses his trump card.

That works. Tony lifts his head. He moves his legs slowly to the edge of the bed and then stands up. Michelle hands him his cane and pats him on the back. “Let’s go, Tony.”

Maggie watches Tony with a hopeless expression. She shifts her worried eyes from Tony to James and back and forth.

James is irritated. He should have been up in the chair by this time! Now watching his deliberate slow steps, he grows angrier. “Lift your feet up!” he yells.

Michelle and Grace walk beside Tony, on each side as if they are guarding him from James. This man has PTSD, so what if...

Maggie moves next to James. Her eyes spell fear.

Julie watches the scene unfold. A déjà vu feeling arises in her mind. She steps closer and says, “Tony, if you don’t walk faster, they may not have muffins left. You know they make them only in the mornings.” Unconsciously, she walks behind the trio: Michelle, Tony, and Grace, blocking James from getting near Tony.

After Tony leaves the room with his therapists, Julie stays in the room. She pretends to rearrange the bedsheet and blanket while spying on the couple. She sees worries in Maggie’s eyes. When she turns to James, she finds a complicated expression: his facial muscles twitching.

She straightens her back and faces them. “I’m so sorry. It’s not Tony’s fault. He didn’t sleep last night. In fact, he couldn’t sleep. Perhaps he had a nightmare of some sort. The night nurse had to give him a sleeping pill. That’s why he was still in bed this morning. It’s just one of those days.”

James’ face relaxes. There is a shade of remorse.

Julie doesn’t want him to feel embarrassed. She adds, “I know it’s not easy to work with someone who has a brain injury. Even here, we have to learn how to deal with each situation. We aren’t used to see these many patients with a TBI. Only in the recent couple of years, since the Iraq War. But we’re learning. We’ve learned to be very patient with this kind of patient.”

Maggie gives Julie a grateful nod.

James stays silent.

“In fact, Tony has made a lot of progress. Since he couldn’t sleep yesterday, he walked with our evening shift nurse outside of his therapy session. So, there is a silver lining to it.”

James’ eyes widened in disbelief for a fraction of a second. Maggie glances at him, thinking, it’s good that he hears things like this. 

Julie nods at them and says, “I’ll see you later. Let me know if you need anything.”

“Thank you.” Maggie waves her hand.

The next day, when Dr. Wu comes to see Tony, Maggie asks her, “Doctor, how long do you think Tony needs to be here?”

Taken aback by her question, Dr. Wu replies, “In general, if a patient can do most activities of daily living, such as eating, dressing, getting in and out of bed and walking up to 300 feet with supervision only, the patient can go home, provided there is 24/7 supervision at home. But in Tony’s case...” she pauses, scanning Maggie’s face.

“So, Tony can go home now? He can walk more than 500 feet and climb stairs.”

Dr. Wu says, “Yes and no. His main challenge is his cognition. His mental capacity limits him from making sound decisions. If he goes home, he needs supervision around the clock and our therapists will need to do a home assessment and give you suggestions. The goal is to make sure he’ll be safe at home. For instance, he may need equipment like grab bars in the bathroom, rails on the stairs, and the floor rugs may need to be removed, etc.”

“I understand,” Maggie says.

“Equipment is the easier part. Have you talked to James about this? You both have to be ready.”

“I will. Thank you.”

There are a lot to think about. The doctor nods.

As a routine, there is a family meeting every week on Thursday afternoons. At the second meeting, therapists update the team about Tony’s progress. Both Maggie and James are present. As expected, based on Tony’s physical activity levels, the therapists recommend Tony go home with home and outpatient therapy.

Maggie scans James and Dr. Wu with worried eyes. In fact, she discussed this with James after she talked to Dr. Wu on Tuesday. James was against it. He’s worried about Tony’s lack of motivation. He calls it “his laziness.” Plus, in his mind, he has another concern. If Tony went home now, he’d be spoiled by Maggie. And he’s not sure about himself. Am I ready? He is afraid. Afraid of losing control. Not control of Tony, but of himself. He needs more time.

Maggie is also torn. Part of her wants Tony to go home. That was why she asked Dr. Wu the week about the possibility. The other part of her says no. She is also afraid. She foresees clashes between James and Tony.

Dr. Wu reads their minds. There is no excitement on their faces. The hesitation is obvious. She explains, “Tony has been here for less than two weeks. He’s made functional progress. His balance is much better and endurance has improved. He walked with evening nurses after dinner. All of these are great. But his cognition has not improved as fast. That’s a major barrier in executive function, social interaction and communication. So, we can work on these aspects in the next week and then discuss our options again next Thursday.”

She sees a look of relief on Maggie and James’ faces. But her own mind is not relaxed. She knows well Tony’s cognition won’t come back in one week. In fact, it may not come back in one month, or in one year. Nobody knows. She just hopes the couple will be ready to face the challenges. They need more time.

After the meeting, Tony goes to his speech therapy session. Maggie and James go back to Tony’s room.

Krystina sees them passing. With her inquisitive mind, she senses a tension between the couple. She has the urge to eavesdrop on what they are going to say inside Tony’s room. She stays near to the room. After only about one minute of catching nothing, she hears their voices rising.

“I’m not saying today or tomorrow. I just want you...us to be ready in a week.” That’s Maggie’s voice, a bit pressured.

Then it’s James’ low voice, “Maggie, I ‘m afraid I can’t handle this yet.”

“Then when?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know? Why?”

Silence.

Yes. Why? Krystina agrees with Maggie.

“Jim, the therapist said Tony can do things by himself. Sooner or later, we have to take him home.”

“I know. But I have my own issues.”

“Your issues. It’s always about your issue!”

“What do you mean?”

“What do you think about me?”

“What about you?”

“Ha, do you think I like to come to the hospital every day? I want to stay at home. My own home.”

“Then stay at home. Who asked you to be here every day?”

“You...don’t understand.”

“I understand. To be honest, I think you spoil him by being here. You baby him...’my only son.’” He mimics her tone.

“Jim, he is our son. I’ve always considered you as his Dad.”

“That’s right. I am his Dad. In fact, where is his Dad? In Florida, right? Why hasn’t he come to see him?”

“Jim, let’s not talk about him.”

“Why not?”

“Jim, if you don’t want Tony...”

“Did I say I don’t want him?”

“Each time you talk about him, you’re upset. I’m so afraid...”

“Maggie, me too. I’m afraid.”

“You? Afraid?”

“You...you don’t know.”

Krystina hears some noise. He must be putting on his jacket. She thinks quickly and walks away. Back at the nursing station, her heart pounds so fast it feels like it’ll jump out of her chest.

At lunch time, the nurses lounge becomes gossip salon. As if people have watched Cinderella too many times, the addition of the pre-fix of step- to Tony’s Dad causes a big splash in the water as someone throws a stone into a quiet pond. The word stepfather puts people on edge because it resonates with the chanting of Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the strongest man of them all. In no time, staff stand behind Maggie and Tony, with a few exceptions.

One clairvoyant nurse bragged, “I could tell from the get-go. There isn’t a trace of him (meaning James) in Tony.”

“A stepfather? I wonder how much his commitment to Tony and Maggie is?” Another foreseer predicts with apprehension.

“Remember Jose.” Two nurses shake their heads at each other. No need for words in such case.

“It doesn’t matter, biological or non-biological,” one disagrees.

“Anyway, if he cares about him why doesn’t he come every day,” one tries to reason.

“If he were Tony’s real Dad, he wouldn’t talk to him like that,” another adds, crossing her arms on chest.

“You have to give him some credit. At least he’s been here a few times. Where is his real Dad?”

That’s true. Where is he? 

Are we being too judgmental for James?

On Friday, Julie meets Dr. Wu in the unit. She whispers to the doctor, “Have you heard?”

The doctor tilts her head.

“Krystina heard Maggie and James’s conversation in Tony’s room yesterday. Apparently, James is Tony’s stepfather.”

Oh. Dr. Wu takes it in. She has sensed some sort of undercurrent between the couple. Now she sees the explanation.

“Remember, he has PTSD.”

Dr. Wu nods.

Julie stares at the doctor: Don’t you see this is a dangerous combination?

“I see,” the doctor says.

“You do?”

“Hmm.”

“Aren’t you concerned if...if he...?”

“Yes, I am.”

“I wonder how strong their marriage bond is?”

“It seems Maggie married James for Tony.”

“I believe so,” Julie says.

Only time can tell.

*

In fact, James doesn’t come to see Tony every day; it’s not because he doesn’t care about him. Tony’s injury has triggered flashbacks of his own experience. Plus, it has given him intense guilt. He has thrown himself into volunteer work at the Wounded Warrior foundation. And he has resumed his previous therapist’s treatments to deal with his “own issues.”

Guilt. Intense guilt. James still remembers vividly the day before Tony enlisted in the Army. He hates himself now. One question has tortured him. I’ve seen it all. Why didn't I stop Tony from joining the Army and going to war? 

*

This was four years ago, in the therapist’s office. Four years before Tony was injured.

In the therapist’s office, a female psychologist sits in front of James. There is a nameplate standing on the desk facing him. It reads Doctor Beth Singleton, PhD in Psychology. The doctor looks young, perhaps she’s in her thirties. Is this his eighth or the ninth therapist? Does it matter? No. What matters is having someone who listens.

James likes female therapists in general. They are nicer, more patient, almost motherly, and pay more attention. One male therapist that he met before was too professor-like. He liked teaching and used fancy words. He even hung the pictures of his idols on the wall: Sigmund Freud, Carl Jung, and Alfred Alder. Another one was a researcher. He wore a pair of thick glasses. So thick that James never knew what he was looking at. For him, everything has to be measurable on a scale. Often, without looking at James, he’d ask, On a scale of one to ten, where do you place your sadness? Or happiness? Or anguish? James said something as if throwing a dice on a card table. Then he heard click, click, click, and saw the researcher’s fingers flying on the keyboard and his face generated a wide range of expressions, from relief (smiling) to perplexity (frowning) to astonishment (widened eyes) as whatever the graph appeared on the screen.

Sitting down in the new doctor’s office, James scans the room briefly. He sees a family photo on the bookshelf. A young couple with two toddlers, a girl and a boy. The kids look like they are three and five. James has always questioned why people put their family pictures in the office? A statement of some sort?

A statement about family? James feels this is a good place to begin since he has a new “issue.” He sits up straight, a natural reflex to shake off his discomfort.

“May I begin?” His tone tells Beth this isn’t a question, but a command.

“Please, Mr. Mason,” Beth says.

“Call me James,” he says.

“Go ahead, James.” Beth stays cool. She doesn’t mind the way James talks. She can tell stiffness from coldness.

“I met someone..., recently,” he starts and his eyes scan Beth’s face.

Beth nods, her eyes steady.

“It’s a woman,” he adds and scans again.

Beth nods encouragingly.

“I don’t know if you’ve read my record. I’d decided not to marry more than thirty years ago.” He pauses, then continues, “I was in the Vietnam War. After a few years, I was injured and lost my right leg, below the knee. I was lucky to be alive. I’ve been walking with a prosthesis since I was twenty-three.” He reaches down and knocks on the shell of his prosthetic leg with his knuckles.

Beth sees a protrusion under his jeans just below the knee. She gives him a I’ve seen patients like you before nod.

“I...It’s not just my leg. I lost my high school sweetheart, my girlfriend.”

Ah. Beth listens. Her eyes say, I’m sorry to hear that. 

“When I came back, I didn’t tell her about my amputation. I practiced walking with my prosthesis until nobody could tell I had a fake leg. I became confident. Then I wrote to her to tell her that I was back and to see if she wanted to meet me. I planned to tell her when we met. She replied quickly and said yes. We planned to go to the cinema to watch a movie. I remember it was a rainy day. I held a large umbrella waiting for her at the bus station. It was pouring. I didn’t care. When I saw her coming down from the bus, I ran over and held her close to me under the umbrella. I asked her which movie she’d like to see. She said she didn’t care. Just wanted to sit with me together, shoulder to shoulder. It was about five hundred feet from the bus station to the movie theatre. We walked toward the theatre with my arm around her shoulder. I was so happy and didn’t see a crack on the pavement. My prosthetic foot was stuck in between two stones. I desperately wanted to pull it out. I could feel my face was hot as if it was on fire. Suddenly, I pulled too hard and heard a crack. My leg came out of the prosthesis, leaving the fake leg standing on the ground.” He shakes his head. “You can’t imagine how devastated I was at the moment. My girlfriend jumped and stared at the prosthesis. I could see she was scared. I wanted to explain. But she pushed me away. Her face was as red as a tomato. I don’t blame her. I should have told her before we met. I felt like a liar. She ran away from me. I couldn’t run after her. I later wrote to her and apologized. I had a broken leg, and she, no, both of us had broken hearts. I told her to forget about me because she deserved a better man.”  James stops. He finishes the whole story in one breath.

He must have told this chapter of his life many times. Beth is curious. “Did she answer your letter?”

James shakes his head.

Beth sees no tears in his eyes. Beth remembers what Agatha Christie once wrote, “A strong man suffers more.”

James likes the doctor, At least she listened. He is encouraged and changes the topic. “Well, that was the past. Recently, I met Maggie at a blood drive event. I went to donate blood for the wounded warriors. Maggie was a volunteer there. She saw me limping. My right knee.” He pats on his right knee again and continues, “Was acting up.”

Hmm. 

“Maggie told me I should use a brace to take some edge off my knee. She got my information from the donors’ list and sent me one the next day. She didn’t know the brace wouldn’t fit me because of the prosthesis,” James says, thinking, I knew better.

Beth sees the triumphant look in his beaming eyes. He likes winning. She presses her lips to refrain from smiling.

Who doesn’t? James raises his chin, deducing her thought.

“Lately, from time to time, I feel more and more...lonely. I’m fifty-five. I’m not getting any younger. I’ve seen many of my old friends have left this world alone, and some have been homeless.” He stops and looks at her face as if to say what do you think? But, deep in his heart, James isn’t the kind who asks advice.

“I see. Do you know more about Maggie? I suppose you like her?”

“Maggie used to be a ballet dancer. Her husband was a conductor. After she gave birth to their son, she stopped working.”

Beth nods. Many women do that.

James continues, “Maggie didn’t consider that her husband was in a position where he was surrounded by many attractive women.”

Beth listens.

“A few years ago, Maggie’s husband asked her for a divorce. He’s had affairs with other women.”

“I see,” Beth acknowledges.

“They divorced. He married a poet. Maggie got custody of her son, but she lost health insurance.”

“Does she work now?”

“She’s worked here and there, two part-time jobs, all were nonprofit places. No benefits to speak of. But she’s made ends meet. She’s a strong woman.”

“How old is her son?”

“Seventeen. In junior high.”

“Have you met him? Or does he know you?”

“Yes. We’ve met a couple of times.”

Beth tilts her head.

“A seventeen-year-old or a teenager are odd creatures. They think they are made from rock or stone. They don’t need parents, never did.” James shakes his head admittingly, “I was like that myself.”

Beth listens.  The reality is Beth doesn’t have enough experience to know, let alone to foresee the potential problems.

In fact, James’ mind was set before he came to talk to Beth. By talking to someone, he has a chance to think over his plan aloud. He believes Maggie is a decent person: caring and hard-working dancers are hard-working people. She is looking for a man who can be a father to her son. James doesn’t have children. Since Tony will be out of the house in one or two years, he doesn’t think it will be a big issue. Plus, Maggie doesn’t care about his age or his looks. She is beyond that superficial stuff now. She is mature and pragmatic.

Beth feels James is doing well. He is reasonable. Not delusional. He hasn’t had marked ups and downs lately from the medical record and only sees therapists sporadically. Beth encourages him to think over before taking action.

A year later. James comes back to Beth’s office again.

“So, how are you doing?” Beth asks cautiously, knowing James and Maggie got married already.

“We’re doing well enough.”

“How is the boy?”

“Oh, Tony. That’s why I’m here today.” James clears his throat, “Tony. . .is really stubborn.”

Beth raises her eyebrows. She hasn’t heard her patients talking about this kind of issue before. A stepson.

“He hasn’t called me Dad. That’s okay. I understand. Teenagers at this age have pride.”

Beth nods.

“I told him to call me James,” he says.

Good.

“Tony graduates from high school this year. Maggie wants him to go to college. I told him I’ll support him too, perhaps a community college first, then he can transfer to a university later.”

“That’s a good idea,” Beth says.

“But he has his own mind. Without talking to Maggie and me, he told us last week that he is enlisting in the Army.” James shakes his head.

Beth listens, thinking this doesn’t seem to be a good idea.

“He doesn’t know. He has no idea what war is like. Our country is in the middle of the war now.”

“What did Maggie say?” Tony would listen to his mom.

“She told Tony that he didn’t have to go in the army. Most kids go because their family can’t afford sending them to college. But we can.”

Beth nods and waits.

“But Tony said, ‘That’s not true. It’s not only the poor kids go in the army.’” James pauses as if he reflects on himself. “Then Maggie said, ‘Let him do what he wants.’” I told Maggie, “You don’t know what you’re talking about. Wars are not games. It’s about life and death.” Maggie said,  “I don’t want him to go. But he doesn’t listen to us, Jim.’”

Oh dear. Only if the young people read books about war! 

“I told Tony. People die in wars. You might not come back. He said, ‘Don’t tell me I won’t come back. I will. When I come back, I’ll pay for my own education. That’s what people do. I’m eighteen. I’m an adult. I can support myself. I don’t need you paying my tuition.’ I told him many of my comrades didn’t come back. And bullets and bombs have no eyes.”

Beth looks at James, wondering: So why did you go to the war back then?

James reads her mind. He says, “I made a mistake. I was told the Vietnam War was to stop the communists from taking over the world and we had to protect our freedom. And the Vietnam War was the war that will end all wars. Was it? No. Wars go on, never-ending.”

Beth doesn’t say anything. She heard on NPR a few days ago someone said the Iraq War was about oil. That can’t be true. She isn’t sure whom to believe.

“So, you see, we couldn’t stop him,” James sighs.

At home, Beth opens her book again, Man at War by Hemingway (1942). The corners of the book are worn. She easily finds the introduction pages and finds where she underlined, When you go to war as a boy, you have a great illusion of immortality. Other people get killed, not you...Then, when you are badly wounded the first time, you lose that illusion, and you know it can happen to you.”

Oh, Tony, James, and ....

*

Regarding James being Tony’s stepfather, Dr. Wu and Julie hold a different view from most of the staff.

“James is harsh to Tony, but he has good intentions. He wants Tony to be tough,” the doctor says.

“That’s the military culture,” Julie agrees.

“But Maggie seems to be afraid of something. Perhaps she and Tony are sheltered here?”

“She looks so sad. Looking at her breaks my heart,” Julie sighs.

“Julie, you say that a lot. I wonder how many hearts you have to break?”

“Don’t worry. It’s just a saying. I don’t have a heart made of glass. By now I have a heart of stone, unbreakable.” Julie smiles.

“You remind me of a phrase that I learned a long time ago: human beings are like eggs, the more you boil, the harder it gets.”

On Monday, James and Maggie come to the unit together. When they arrive, Tony is still lying in his bed, resting. Did he have a bad night again? Maggie walks over to the bedside and checks on the food tray. It’s empty. She says to herself, At least he has a good appetite.

Spotting the couple entering the room, Julie walks over quickly from the nursing station. Maggie is glad to see Julie. She feels safe when there is a third person in the room.

Julie peeks at Tony and sees his eyes are closed. She waves her hand at Maggie to say hello.

James looks at the clock on the wall and gives Julie a look that says, What time is it now? You still don’t want to wake him up?

Julie smiles to say, Don’t worry. He’ll be ready by nine o’clock.

James doesn’t wait. He walks to Tony’s bedside and calls, “Tony.”

No reply.

“Tony.” James raises his voice.

“Hmm.”

“Tony, get up. What time is your therapy? Isn’t it at nine?” James verifies the schedule at the whiteboard on the wall. It reads: 9:00 PT. Then he gives Julie a disappointing look again.

“He’s just resting after breakfast,” Julie explains.

“It’s fifteen minutes to nine.” James points to the clock.

Looking at Jim’s red face, Maggie thinks, What’s wrong with him today? He was okay before coming here. They had breakfast and watched the news on TV together. She pats on Tony’s arm and says, “Tony, let’s get up. Michelle will be here in a moment. You don’t want to make people wait for you.”

Tony says, “Uhm.” He then pushes his blanket away, turns to his side, and sits up at the edge of the bed in slow motion.

“Hurry up!” James fumes. The hand of the clock moves dot by dot like a drum.

Maggie says again softly, “Honey, hurry up.” She signals James to tune down his anger.

But her softness irritates James further. He raises his voice higher, “Tony, let me tell you, if you don’t work hard, I won’t take you home.”

Julie is by the door with a medication cup in her hand. She walks over and pours a cup of water, then she gives Tony the medication and says, “Tony, take your medications.”

Tony takes the pills and swallows them with a gulp of water without looking.

Julie says, “Good job, Tony. Michelle is on her way. She’ll be here in a few minutes. You have time.” She gives James a smile. She knows not to aggravate him.

James watches Julie. He doesn’t speak, waiting for her to leave the room.

Julie leaves reluctantly.

At nine o’clock, Michelle arrives. She enters the room and greets everyone. Then she turns to Tony, “Hi, Tony, Are you ready? Let’s go. We’re going to have fun today.” She hands Tony his cane.

Tony glimpses James who stands by the window. He stands up and follows Michelle out of the room without hesitation. Seeing this, both Maggie and Julie are relieved.

Julie suspects James and Maggie wanted to know how Tony is doing in therapy since this week might be Tony’s last week. But none of them move. Julie leaves and keeps the door ajar.

Julie doesn’t go far from the room. She stands by the medication cart where a nurse is in the next room distributing morning medications. Suddenly she hears Maggie’s voice inside.

“Jim, what’s wrong with you lately? You’re more and more irritable. Are you angry at us, Tony and me?”

“No.”

“Then why? Are we a burden to you?”

“A burden to me?”

“I know you’re not his dad, so, you don’t care,” her voice trembles.

“Then where is his Dad?”

“Let’s not talk about him again.”

“How can you say I don’t care about Tony?”

“Look at him. He’s so afraid of you. It’s not his fault to be like this. He used to be...very motivated and independent.” Maggie’s voice chokes.

“Did I say it’s his fault? Don’t you...” He doesn’t finish. Can’t you see how heavy my guilt is already?

“Then why are you always angry at him? I mean what’s the use? You only make things worse.”

“Maggie, If only I could...” He pauses. Then “Let me tell you, I care about him. I think about him every day.”

“I know you have PTSD. I get it.”

“No, you don’t. You can’t.”

“I knew you would say that.”

“Maggie, stop.”

“How can I stop? You think it’s my fault, our fault. I spoil him. You don’t want him to go home.”

“Whose fault, Maggie?” Another pause. “Who doesn’t want Tony to go home?”

“To tell you the truth, I wanted him to come home last week, but I’m afraid because of you.”

“You’re afraid? Who isn’t afraid?”

“I...I know it’s hard for you.” A long pause. “But it isn’t easy for me either...” Her voice becomes indistinguishable.

“You know nothing!”

James leaves the room. He limps more, but he walks faster toward the elevators. Julie wants to run after him to give him a cane or something. But she doesn’t move. She knows James won’t use it or listen to her.

Julie goes to the nursing station. She makes a cup of tea and brings it to Maggie. Maggie sits in the chair, red-eyed. When she sees Julie, tears run down her cheeks. Her shoulders tremble. Julie hands her a box of tissue and pulls a chair next to her. She sits down.

“Thank you,” Maggie chokes on her words. Her eyes cast down.

“Maggie, this is hard for all of you,” Julie says. She pauses a moment then continues, “But it’ll pass. I know. People survive.”

Maggie nods. She raises her eyes and takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

Maggie looks at Julie. She sees tears in Julie’s eyes. “Oh, Julie, I often wonder how the nurses and the doctors work here. Is it hard for you too?”

“Honestly, sometimes it’s hard. But most of the time, this job is rewarding. Seeing patients recover and go home makes me happy.”

“Hmm, did you hear our conversation?”

“I did, Maggie. I was outside by the medication cart. You’re going through a tough time. You both may think Tony might go home soon, so it’s normal you feel anxious. James is not an exception. But I believe you and James can pull through it, because... my gut feeling tells me that James is a good man. I can’t tell you why. I don’t have a degree in psychology. James is tough on the surface. He may appear cold or even cruel. But he cares about you and Tony. Trust me. I’ve seen many families.”

“I believe him too. But his mood is so unpredictable.”

Julie nods.

“I wish I didn’t say what I said. I didn’t mean to say he isn’t Tony’s dad. I wish I could take it back.”

“It’s hard when we’re at the spur of the moment. Wars change people. Watching news about lost soldiers remind them about the war. Some even ask why I’m still living? My husband has carried this survivor’s guilt for a long time.”

Maggie sighs. “Hmm, that’s true. I often ask why there are still wars?”

Julie sighs, Don't we all want to know? At this moment, a quote from Ernest Hemingway’s essay Notes on the Next War, (Esquire Magazine, September 1935) echoes in her ear: But never think that war, no matter how necessary, nor how justified, is not a crime. Ask the infantry and ask the dead. 

Ask Maggie, ask all of us.

Later that afternoon, Julie tells Dr. Wu about what she heard from Maggie and James again.

“Oh, Julie, I’m so glad that you talked to Maggie. She needs support.”

“I just feel like we have become their mothers.”

“You are. You truly are.” Dr. Wu pats her on the shoulder. “Nurses are with patients 24/7 and have seen it all. Yet, you prevail. The words 'giving up' aren’t encoded in your DNA.”

“I’ve gotten tougher over the years.” She smiles and pats her gray hair. “I like the Rehab motto: to change Inability to Ability and change Disability to Capability.”

“Well said,” Dr. Wu says solemnly. People hardly see the tears shed behind the scenes.

“By the way, do you think Tony can go home this week?” Julie asks.

“I was thinking exactly the same thing. We all worry, but I think it would be good for Tony to transition to outpatient and home therapy. He needs more challenges now. It’s time to learn from real situations.”

Julie nods.

“Let’s see if James and Maggie can get ready,” Dr. Wu adds cautiously.

*

In Beth’s office.

James begins. “Doctor, I know I didn’t have an appointment today, but I really have to talk to you, so I called in.”

“No problem. That’s why I’m here, James.”

James nods then says, “I lashed out at Maggie yesterday,” sounding remorseful.

“What happened?”

“Hmm...I was, I've been more and more irritated.”

“About?”

“Doctor, do you watch TV?”

“Yes. Mostly the news.”

“The news.”

Beth thinks for a moment. She realizes, There have been news about lost soldiers in the war every day.

“Lost soldiers...and lives.”

Beth listens.

“Those pictures of...young men...19 and 22...” James stares into the space and stops.

Images from the news reappear in Beth's mind.

“I can’t stand it anymore,” James says. “I have nightmares now.”

Beth waits a moment, then says, “Have you thought about not watching TV? For a while?”

“I’ve tried.” It’s not only the TV. Everywhere you go, there are big screens, even at BestBuy and Home Depot, he thinks.

Beth says, “You did the right thing to call me and to come to see me.”

“I don’t want to lose Maggie and...Tony.”

“So, what happened yesterday?” Beth asks.

“Oh, we went to see Tony. It was almost nine o’clock. He was still in bed. I told him to get up and be ready for therapy. Afterwards, she blamed me being too impatient and said I didn’t care about Tony.”

“Was Tony late for therapy?”

“No.” That’s because I was there.

Beth nods. “I see. One problem with patients who have a brain injury is that they have low energy levels. Eating a meal exhausts them. There aren’t enough brain cells working like in normal brains. That’s why they need frequent rest.”

“I understand. But for some reason, or no reason at all, I couldn’t control myself.”

“You have stress too...with all the bad news.”

“And Maggie thought I didn’t care about Tony because I wasn’t...”

“So, you felt hurt?”

“She should have known better. She has no idea how guilty I’ve felt about them. You know it’s not just Tony, Maggie too.”

Beth admits quietly. Maggie is a casualty of the war and she suffers too. 

James says, “I don’t know how I can ever make her trust me.”

“You both are under a lot of pressure.”

James sighs.

“You want Tony to get well fast.”

“Yes.” James seems to calm down. The word “fast’’ makes him reflect. So that it would ease my guilt.

Beth watches James. She waits.

“Naturally, Tony is everything to Maggie. She’s a good mother. An unbelievable mother. Sometimes, I wish I had a mother like her. She wanted Tony to have a Dad. I’ve... failed her.”

“We all learn to be good parents. Nobody is born to be one,” Beth says. She knew James didn’t have a Dad. He only imagined one. Beth adds, “I’m learning too.”

You too? Of course, we’re humans. James seems to wake up from a nightmare.

“My Wounded Warriors group talked about the Chinese philosophy of yin and yang last time. I find it hard at first. Just now I think I know what it means. I need to see things from different aspects and to balance our lives.”

“Yes. Nothing is as simple as black and white.”

“Yes.”

Beth says, “James, I think it would be better if you and Maggie give each other time and space and not to rush conclusions. Sometimes, the more you want another person to understand you, the more you push that person away. It’s like physics: force and counterforce.”

“Hmm, yin and yang again.”

Beth smiles.

*

On Thursday, the rehab team has another family meeting. This is the third week. Everyone hopes that this meeting will be the last one before Tony goes home. Will Maggie and James agree? Are they ready?

Tony is doing great. He can walk one thousand steps with a cane for balance only. He has walked outside, inside stores, negotiated stairs, ramps, and curbs. Going home is really what he needs now.

After therapists’ update on Tony’s progress, to their surprise, both Maggie and James agree to bring Tony home. And they don’t look as worried as before. Seeing this is a big relief for the doctor and staff.

The family has come a long way. Everyone appreciates it.

The clairvoyant nurse feels a bit awkward or even ashamed. The image of the stepmother in front of the mirror has lost its demonizing effect. Oh, I’m a victim of this chant. Of course, she doesn’t say this aloud. Having something to blame is always comforting. It makes one feel less guilty. She is not alone. Anyone who has had a fleeting doubt about James feels bad as if they are facing a mirror reflecting on themselves.

Knowing sending Tony home is a good decision doesn’t make seeing them off easier. On Friday morning, when Tony is ready to leave, many rehab staff line up by the hallway. It’s like seeing their children going somewhere faraway. Some nurses have red eyes. Others fake a smile or bite their lips.  They still question, Can they survive the endless ordeal? 

Standing in front of Maggie and James, Dr. Wu can’t help to repeat what she said before, “Tony will do better at home. He will continue therapy at home. Be patient. A brain injury needs time to heal. Just think how long it takes for a child to learn to speak and to reason. Years, right? The brain has to make the wires reconnect.”

Maggie nods. James listens.

“All the best to you,” the doctor says. She gives Maggie a hug.

Maggie is too shaky to speak a word. She fights back her tears. As much as she wanted Tony to go home, now it’s hard to say goodbye.

James can’t speak either. He gives the doctor a firm handshake that promises his commitment. He is a man of his word. 

At the last moment, James turns to Tony and tells him stiffly, “Say thank you, doctor,”

“Th...thank you, d...doctor,” Tony says. His face reddens, I’m going home.

“You’re welcome, Tony.” The doctor hugs him.

Then, Tony, Maggie, and James march toward the elevators: Tony, in the middle, Maggie on his left side and James on the right side. James limps, but he is determined not to slow down.

The staff watch the elevator door open and close in slow motion. After the door closes, nobody moves. It’s not only Tony that they think about. It’s also Maggie and James.

Three months later, James and Maggie bring Tony to Dr. Wu’s office without an appointment. When they appeared at the door, Dr. Wu was surprised. “Hi, Tony, Maggie, and James, what brought you three here today? You all look great.” She scans Tony quickly. He’s put on weight and his cheeks are fuller, not as pale. Then she looks at Maggie and James. They, too, appear more relaxed. She feels relieved. Going home was a good decision.

Maggie gives the doctor a hug. James still doesn’t smile. The doctor no longer sees anxiety in their eyes. She turns to Tony and says, “Look at you, Tony, you don’t use a cane anymore.”

“Yeah, he’s doing much better,” James says, rubbing his hands with an air of satisfaction.

“Terrific!” Dr. Wu smiles.

James turns to Tony and asks him, “Tony, where is your frame?”

Dr. Wu hasn’t seen Tony hold something behind his back.

Tony brings a picture frame up and gives it to the doctor.

The doctor takes the frame and looks at it carefully. There is a sheet of paper in the 5 x 7 wooden frame. On the paper it reads, “Doctor Wu, you are the best.” Each letter is written with a blue-colored crayon in large child-like size. The lines are crooked and letters are tilted in different directions. Yet they are legible. It’s Tony’s handwriting. Dr. Wu is moved. She can see the pride on James’ face. She says to Tony, “Great job, Tony, you can write now. Is this for me?”

Tony nods, looking happy.

“Oh, this means a lot to me. Thank you so much. How about I keep it on my shelf?” She places the frame on her bookshelf, in the center, at eye level, then she looks at Tony to see if he agrees.

Tony smiles from ear to ear.

Dr. Wu thanks James. She knows he is behind this gift-making since he isn’t someone who says ‘thank you’ out loud.

The doctor says, “Tony has come a long way.”

James says, “Yes. He can do most things by himself now. Last month, we saw a young patient at a Wounded Warriors event. He couldn’t even move his limbs.” He turns to Maggie for acknowledgement.

Maggie nods.

Dr. Wu nods too. Yes. We learn to count our blessings.

Later that day, Dr. Wu meets Julie in the rehab unit. Julie says to her, “You know what?”

“Yes?”

“Maggie, James and Tony came this morning to see us.”

Dr. Wu sees happy tears in Julie’s eyes. “Yes. They passed by my office too. What a treat. Tony is doing so well.”

“Maggie looks happier too.” Julie blinks. “Believe it or not, we are all relieved.”

“After all, we didn’t need to worry about James. It makes me think of a book called A Good Man Is Hard to Find.”

“Oh yes. It’s by Flannery O’Connor, we’ve studied it in college. Don’t you think we’ve met a good man now?”

“Indeed, in today's world where money is the sixth sense, and without it, other senses don’t matter. Finding a good man is even more of a rarity.”

Julie nods and adds, “Hmm, today for some people, money is not only the sixth sense, but the only one. That’s why we have all these wars...”

Time flies. Six months later, James comes to Dr. Wu’s office again.

Dr. Wu is so happy to see them. She can’t stop asking questions, “Oh, hello, James. Good to see you. How are you? How is Tony? And Maggie?”

“Good. We’re all good. You still remember us.”

“Of course. How can I forget you?” She scans him. She sees him limping more when he enters the room. He’s put on more weight and has more gray hair. She lies, “Well, James, you look great.”

James sees through her diagnostic eyes examining him. He says lightly, “Beside the right knee. I’m doing well. My orthopedic doctor said I’ll need surgery soon.”

“Oh. Hopefully. it’ll help you.”

“I hope so.” He turns to the paper bag in his hand and puts it on the table. “Doctor, I’m here today to give you this.” He takes out a small box from the bag and hands it to Dr. Wu.

“For me?” Dr. Wu takes it cautiously. Doctors do not supposedly receive any gifts from patients. Even when patients gave her flowers, she has always put them in the nursing unit. That’s where they belong anyway.

“Yeah. It’s a souvenir.”

Souvenir? Dr. Wu glimpses at James’ dignified face. She opens the box and sees a round medal inside. She picks the medal up and brings it closer to her eyes. On it, it reads In Honor of Cpl. Anthony Anderson Mason. 

James watches quietly. He notices the doctor’s eyes froze for a fraction of a second on the right side where the name Mason is etched.

“Tony is a hero?” Dr. Wu asks. She knows only a hero could get a medal.

“He was injured saving another soldier’s life,” James says. “I didn’t know this before,” he adds.

Of course, Tony couldn’t tell him. Dr. Wu thinks. She says, “But, James, this is for Tony. You and Maggie should keep it for him.”

“We have more than one. We want you to keep one.”

“I...I’ll treasure this,” Dr. Wu says. “Do you mind if I put this at the nursing station?”

“Don’t worry. I have one for the nurses too.”

“Oh, you’re so thoughtful.”

James doesn’t speak.

The doctor appreciates his muted gratitude. It speaks volume.

James doesn’t move. He seems to be waiting for the doctor to say something.

Dr. Wu says, “By the way, is Mason Tony’s new last name?”

Bingo! James says, “Yes, I finally changed his last name to mine. I fought for it.”

Fought for it? 

James sees a question mark in the doctor’s eyes. “Yes, because his biological father had partial guardianship.”

“But...but,” she wanted to say, where has he been? This just blows my mind.

“It didn’t matter. The court still had to decide which parent is more suited and appoint one. And oftentimes, money is an important factor.”

Money. Always money.

“Anyway. It’s a long story.”

“So, you and Maggie won?”

“Yes. We did. Tony is my son now,” he says with dignity.

Your son? The doctor looks into his deep gray eyes and the scars on his face. She understands where his commitment, determination, and pride come from.

“Tell you the truth, doctor, Tony doesn’t know who his dad is... he may never know.”

How much a man who missed his own father and son bond wishes to have one, one that has meaning? The doctor contemplates. She has no words, only pleads in her mind, But you know, James. And we know.