Masculine Enough

All it took was one presentation to boost the B to an A plus. If it wasn’t for the awkward pauses, Macson would be enjoying the rest of the day. Students walked along the sidewalk under the awning of the film building. Macson sat on the edge of the sidewalk, staring at the drenched parking lot with rain splashing onto the pavement. His eyes were sunk. He ignored the tight knot that beat inside his throat.

***

Macson sat on an office chair with his arms crossed, looking down while his thoughts raced. He couldn’t do it—give a presentation perfectly as the others somehow did. In front of him stood David, looking out the window. A dark cloud was heading their way. Lester slouched on his chair. The three screwed up.

“A storm is coming, you guys,” said David, lisping.

“It’s on its way. I’m sure we didn’t clock close to eight minutes,” said Lester.

Macson hit the back of his head against the chair. “Guys, I’m so sorry about what happened back there.” He picked the corner of his eye. “Mr. Touland is gonna steamroll over us. You guys know how hard he is on us. The guy just expects everyone to toughen up, even if things aren’t going right.”

The door opened. Mr. Touland entered and directed his piercing black eyes towards Macson. He walked behind his desk. The three boys had their eyes homed on him.

“Horrible. A train wreck,” said Mr. Touland.

“Explain, please,” said David.

“You guys have to get your act together if you want to pass.” He looked at the boys. “You were the only students who didn’t pass. There was no energy like the other students in the class. Absolute zero.”

“Well, what do you want us to do?” said Macson.

Mr. Touland looked at him sharply. “Man. Up.”

“What?” The boys said in unison.

“Be men?” said David, in disbelief.

“We don’t live in the ‘50s nor ‘60s,” added Lester.

Macson kept his eyes on the professor. “What’re you talking about?”

The three students stood from their chairs and onwards to Mr. Touland’s desk, complaining loudly. He tried to calm them down, but it was no use. They attempted to drown him out with their complaints. He rose from his chair and the boys shut their mouths. His dark eyes stared them down.

“Stop complaining,” he said. “Macson, you froze up. Were you scared? Do you think that happened to me when I was your age?”

Macson darted his eyes around. “Maybe.”

“I wasn’t. I faced it head-on. Not like some lazy amateurs in this college. I wasn’t a child like you three,” he said.

Macson hunched his shoulders. His face blushed, trying to fight back tears. Lester sensed the gloom in Macson and patted him on the back. David barked back at Mr. Touland. “Well, that’s good because it means that we won’t grow up to become adults, or men,” he said, getting back at him. “Oh, and you know one thing that children have that adults lack?”

Mr. Touland raised his eyebrows at David.

“Imagination. We’ll wow you away next time.”

David began walking to the door. “Let’s go, guys. We have better things to worry about than being an adult.”

Macson and Lester got up from their chairs and followed David to the door.

“Careful with your language, David. Respect the teacher or it’ll affect your grade,” advised Mr. Touland.

But the door shut with the boys ignoring his advice.

***

The rain poured from above. Students bustled, going to either the parking lot or to class. Macson walked on the edge of the sidewalk. David and Lester were behind him.

“How can we fire him?” whispered David.

“I don’t know, but one thing is certain—Mr. Touland is not a role model for students,” replied Lester.

“Macson just isn’t ready for that presentation. One thing is the stutter. The other is those awkward silences,” added David.

“You know I can hear you guys,” said Macson.

Both stared back.

“We know,” said David.

Lester put his arm around Macson. “What do you want to do, Mac? Do we call it off for the rest of the afternoon?”

“Nah, let’s go to my place and watch a movie or something,” said Macson.

The three walked to the parking lot with the rain tapping on their heads. Their clothes were drenched with drops tapping down from the edges of their attire. David and Lester walked in front of Macson. A whirl raged in his abdomen. When Mr. Touland would come up in his mind, Macson clenched his teeth.

***

The three boys sat on the brown sofa. Up on the television, an episode of Stranger Things played. All three were fixated on what was going to happen—the majority of the cast had different weapons, ready to attack whoever was about to come through the front door. David and Lester had their eyes glued to the screen, sharing a bowl of popcorn coupled with Coke fizzling on the side. A bag of Cheetos was next to Macson. He took out a few. They ate, drank, and burped out gas.

“Someday, I’ll be behind that camera,” said Macson.

“Someday, Mac. But first, we must give that outdated Touland a piece of our mind,” David said.

“Shh. Guys, let’s save the gossiping for later,” said Lester.

A phone pinged. Lester leaned over the sofa and grabbed it. On the screen, there was an email notification. He unlocked it and read the email. Macson and David kept looking at him, curious to know what was up.

“Lester,” David called out.

“Dude, what’s going on? Talk to us,” demanded Macson.

Lester turned the phone around. The two read what the email said. Macson leaned his head back on a pillow, exhaling slowly. David scratched his head.

“We need to be serious in a matter of days for the final presentation,” said Lester.

Mr. Touland gave them a D. Lester tried to pass the phone to Macson, but he denied it.

“I don’t even want to read it. How can a teacher tell a student to man up? I mean, it doesn’t make any sense. If it was a life-or-death situation, then I’d understand, but this?”

“But understand the point that he is trying to make,” said Lester, confronting Macson. He reached out with the phone on his hand again.

Macson snatched it out of his hand. As he read the comments, he raised an eyebrow. Man up, sure. I’m a man after all. A male. What’s his problem with me, he thought.

“Macson needs to be more assertive,” he said, reading the comments. He slammed the phone down on the sofa. “Well, to a certain degree, everyone is afraid of public speaking. Mr. Touland said that I wasn’t competitive. In what sense though?”

“Have you ever thought about keeping your cool when presenting?” asked David.

“I’m cool in group settings. With you two, of course,” replied Macson, cracking a smile.

Lester shook his head gently. “Mac, I believe Touland just wants you to have a cool vibe when presenting, you know what I mean?”

“No,” replied Macson.

Lester got up. “Macson, I do have to say this to you. You’ve gotta straighten up, not slouch your shoulders. Does that make sense?”

“What do you mean?” asked Macson.

Lester continued. He slouched his shoulders, imitating what he saw earlier in the classroom. Macson gave a heavy sigh, not wanting to see what he saw of himself. Butterflies tickled his stomach as he pushed through the ridicule.

“Yes, guys, I know. I’m a sloucher,” he said.

“Indeed, you are,” replied David.

“You slouched your shoulders in that presentation, Mac. Sometimes, sticking out your chest doesn’t do any harm. It’s something that men do,” said Lester, slapping his chest.

“Woah, you guys.” Macson pointed to the two of them. “You two are taking this way out of proportion. I just got nervous during the presentation, that’s all.”

A smartphone beeped. Lester pulled the phone out of his pocket and looked at the time. 6:00 P.M. “Well, it’s that time of the afternoon,” said Lester.

“What time?” David asked, standing straight up.

“Time to head off. If I don’t, my mom is going to call me a gazillion times,” he said.

Macson sat on the sofa, bent over. “Alright then, I guess we can meet up tomorrow and in the next couple of days before the next presentation day arrives,” he said, unsure of himself.

“See you later,” said David, heading out of the TV room.

Lester followed, but not before stopping in front of Macson. “Mac, remember.” He stuck his chest out. “It helps.” He stepped out.

Macson sighed, relieved that his friends were gone. He crashed down on the sofa with both hands on his forehead. A mental weight lifted itself off his head. A clarity came back into his mind, not present when David and Lester slouched in front of him. Macson remained on the sofa and fell into a deep slumber.

***

It was his turn to present. The heads of the students turned towards the back, gazing at Macson. He walked to the front of the class. The projector had his presentation displayed on the board. Mr. Touland kept his eyes on him and gave some good old advice. “Remember... tough it out like a man.”

“Three, two, one. Begin,” said Mr. Touland.

All of the students looked at him—some uninterested. His chest began to heave. Goosebumps crawled on his skin. All the students’ eyes were directed at him. The room went quiet. Mr. Touland stared at him with his pitch-black eyes. Macson glanced back and turned to the students, who stared at him with the same black eyes as Mr. Touland.

They all shouted, “Man up. Man up. Man up!”

Macson covered his ears and shut his eyes as hard as he could. The voices only got louder; covering his ears was useless.

“Nooo,” yelled Macson. He opened his eyes to a dark room, relieved that it was just a dream.

***

For the next couple of weeks, Macson met up with David and Lester to discuss the next presentation. They ate at the food court, especially Sushi Sake, a personal favorite of Macson. They spent hours in the courtyard, where a few girls would walk past them. They tried hard to walk up to the girls, but to no avail. One afternoon, Macson headed to class and didn’t see either of his friends. He hid at the top of the stairwell of a parking garage and spent minutes sucking on a JUUL pod. His plan? To pretend that he was okay, not allowing Mr. Touland’s words to get to him. But after a few minutes of pretending, the negativity caught up to him. Macson stared down to the floor. Doubts clouded his mind. The pressure to toughen up was too much for him. His eyes started filling up and a tear streamed down his cheek.

“Why? Why is it that it all seems to go well for them? For everybody?” Macson leaned back against the wall and sat on the floor. He couldn’t understand why many people his age were confident. Other students presented their assignments without harsh critique. Were they faking it? He didn’t know. Macson scratched the sides of his head, thinking of an answer. The door at the bottom of the stairwell swung open. Footsteps ascended the stairs quickly.

“I swear to you. He must be on campus. I’m sure that he is JUULing around somewhere.” It was David.

“Hasn’t it ever occurred to you that it must be mental? I mean, he just has to forget about Mr. Touland’s comment about toughening up,” said an upbeat voice.

Macson jumped as he heard the voices getting closer. It was Lester. Macson rose from the floor and got rid of the tears, rubbing his eyes. He placed one leg against the wall and leaned back, pushing both hands into his pocket. David and Lester made their way to the top and stumbled upon Macson, whistling Twisted Nerve. The tune echoed from top to bottom. Macson shook his head. His eyes were closed as he danced around the stairwell.

“Macson,” shouted David.

Macson opened his eyes. He was right at the edge of the stairs about to tumble. Gravity pushed him down. At the last second, he flung his hand towards the handle before it was too late.

“Mac, you got lucky just now,” said Lester, relieved.

“God damn Twisted Nerve. Catchy and a danger at the same time,” joked David.

“You two,” said Macson, still catching his breath. “Seeing you guys wasn’t on my schedule for today.”

David and Lester looked at each other. “We want to discuss the next presentation,” said Lester.

***

“Masculinity in contemporary film?” Macson stared at them, his eyebrows raised. He leaned against the trunk of his Toyota.

“Yeah, that’s what we thought,” replied David, exchanging looks between Macson and Lester. “We can plan the presentation and work on the slides.”

A breeze slapped the three of them. None of them said a word. The only sound was that of a Ferrari roaring at the top of the parking garage. Getting out was a handsome young man, fit and lean, sporting a pair of Ray-Bans that caught the sun’s reflection. He caught the three boys looking at him, awed, and gave them a chin lift along with a smirk before walking off.

“A man,” added David, still staring. A drop of saliva dripped off his mouth.

“He has the it factor,” said Macson, quietly.

“Everything that a girl wants,” interjected Lester, smoothly.

***

Weeks passed. The three agreed to prepare a presentation on masculinity in contemporary films. All of them spent countless hours and pulled all-nighters. They ordered Five Guys, stuffing themselves with the best burgers, Cajun fries, and made stops at the 7-Eleven for the Slurpees. The night before the presentation, Macson pep talked as he watched his reflection in the mirror. He swung back his shoulders, stuck his chest out, raised an eyebrow, and even wore Ray-Bans.

“Yo, what’s going on? My name is Macson and I’ll be doing a presenta–.” He took off the glasses and began pacing around his bathroom. “Nah, man, this isn’t going to work.”

A phone rang. Macson picked up. “Hello?”

“You ready for tomorrow? It’s gonna be great.” It was David, sounding excited.

“Yep. We’re absolutely crushing it tomorrow,” Macson replied, slouching his shoulders. “I’m so not ready,” he mouthed.

“Macson, I want you to know something. There was a time when I was afraid of being me. It wasn’t about being ready to give a presentation. No. It was about how confident I was with myself, staying true to who I truly was on the inside. But you know what? At the end of the day, even though we ace or fail the presentation, it doesn’t matter because we’re learning every step of the way. Even if that means getting rolled over by a professor who behaves old school.”

“The grade in this presentation matters, D,” replied Macson.

“Be yourself, Mac. That’s all I want you to do. Be you. Don’t pretend to be masculine. We are masculine, but different. We don’t let our ego get in the way. We don’t shout at people to put them down. We don’t suppress our feelings. We are more open than Mr. Touland,” said David, assured.

Macson saw his reflection in the bathroom mirror. His mind repeated David’s words. In mere seconds, his eyes filled up with tears while his face blushed. The storm inside his mind—overthinking, anxiety, worry, being tough—began clearing. A tear flowed out and down the cheek. More followed as Macson saw himself.

“Mac? It’s alright. I’m sorry if those words hit—,”

“No,” Macson interrupted, wiping the tears. “It’s just that...I’ve been my own worst enemy all along. It wasn’t Mr. Touland. It was me. For years, I thought that masculinity was all about acting tough and doing things as a man should. All this time, I was pretending to be someone else. A man that society likes, but that’s not me.” None of them spoke for a second. “Young guys, like us, are already masculine. Society just indoctrinates us to act tough and inauthentic.”

“You’re not alone, Mac. Fortunately, you have me, Lester, and your family. There are guys out there who toughened up, only to suffer the consequences. You aren’t there, not even close. So please, stop being so hard on yourself and own who you truly are—an aspiring, intelligent film director.”

Macson took deep breaths, calming down from the breakdown. What remained on his face was a dryness from the tears and swollen eyes. In the midst of it, a weight lifted off his shoulders. A sparkle lit up in both of his eyes as he stared at the mirror. The doubts wore off to the point that he didn’t seem to care. He calmly lifted the edges of his mouth to form a small smile.

“We’re gonna ace this tomorrow,” he whispered to himself. He hung up the phone.

On the other side of the line, the call beeped. “Well, I guess that was it,” David remarked.

***

“Macson, David, and Lester. Your turn to present,” called Mr. Touland.

The three boys got up from their desks. Macson led the way, followed by David and Lester, who carried a laptop. They walked up to the front of the classroom. Lester connected his laptop, clicked a few times, and the presentation was displayed on the board. Waiting for Mr. Touland to call on them to begin, Macson felt a tightening in his chest. Breathing started getting a bit difficult and short. He inhaled, feeling his chest expand but something wasn’t right. His lungs didn’t fill up completely. Then, a warm hand reached out to Macson’s. It was David. The creeping anxiety melted away again.

“You’ll do fine. Remember, don’t act masculine. You have it in you. Be authentically you and don’t look to Mr. Touland during the presentation,” whispered David.

Macson nodded. He looked at Mr. Touland with a pair of unbroken eyes. “Do we have the floor?”

“Go right ahead,” he replied, looking at the three boys.

Three. Two. One. Start.

Macson scanned the classroom. Everyone had their eyes on him. The only sound heard was the whooshing of the AC unit. “Masculinity is a set of traits, pertaining to men, that is thrown around these days in many aspects. It is present in relations, work, day-to-day interactions, school, and elsewhere. However, film exaggerates masculinity in a way that is extreme. Instead of communication, emotional openness, availability, we get the following—stoicism, violence, and the lone wolf archetype.” His voice didn’t shake. What spoke was a calm voice of command.

As the presentation wore on, the eyes of Mr. Touland and the students darted between the three. Minutes passed. Lester spoke about hybrid masculinity and David about vulnerability. The class was immersed in the presentation’s visual style and clips from movies. Mr. Touland himself was impressed by the change he saw in the boys. He thought that his critique worked on them. It went on until it was Macson’s final turn to speak up.

“And that was our final presentation on masculinity in contemporary films. The overall message from me and my two friends here,” Macson pointed to David and Lester, “is to be authentically you. Masculinity has been with us since the beginning, but society turned it into an aggressive performance that feeds on the ego and turns us into emotionless beings.”

A thunderstorm of applause rocked the classroom. The boys gave each other a pat on the back and high-fives. Mr. Touland clapped only a little before swiveling his chair back to the desk. He jotted down a few notes and wrote, without the boys noticing, an A+.

***

The sun shone bright in the sky. Students walked to class or the parking lot to drive off and enjoy the summer. Under the awning of the film building, the three boys gossiped about the presentation.

“We aced it,” said Macson.

“Did you see Mr. Touland throughout the presentation? He couldn’t believe what he was seeing,” added Lester.

“No,” replied Macson and David in unison.

“What?” Lester said.

“No, we didn’t look at him,” said David.

“How come?” asked Lester.

“We had a change in perspective. We don’t need—”

“To act masculine,” interrupted Macson.

David and Lester both listened.

“Masculinity evolves over time. We don’t need to toughen up every single time. The three of  us?  We’re already masculine but in our way and how we view it. Either of us can see it as an egotistical performance...or as something that’ll allow us to be vulnerable and authentic.”

Macson walked to the edge of the sidewalk, where he once sat upset, and looked out at the parking lot. The spring term was finished. A grin formed on his face, thinking about his next move. David and Lester stood to his side.

“What’s next for you, Mac?” asked Lester.

Macson, with that newfound optimism, breathed in and said proudly, “Los Angeles. Summer is going to be the most fun.”