Birthday
birthday of a young man
showing him sights
events cold and crude
feelings heated and complex
mustafa’s
a youngster
a doctor showing arrogance
refusing to do more
spectators gasping
for breath
a private doctor
in a government place
so nothing can be done
bumpy mountain drive
surrounded by children
she couldn’t add to
eyes elsewhere
our drive to machakos
the safest
it wasn’t
yet instinct drives you
where help seems absent
someone heard
no birthday today
the journey was frantic
i knew, but couldn’t ask
i knew
before i could see
the parents’ faces
helpless attempt
the hospital changed shape
mother and baby
metal seats and bare walls
that couldn’t accept
the mortuary
needing police permission
it was hard to feel
mustafa’s loss
don’t worry simon
my african mum said
when you’re dead you’re dead
my manx niece said
the birthday returned
as it is
No Birth Day
mustafa off for a day
he would never forget
death of a young woman
feelings cold and crude
concern
showing
no concern
leaving her in a heap
crumpled girl gasping
for life
can’t see her
transfer to a private place
(in private)
dumbstruck parents
their daughter felt
her temperature cold
her limbs limp
the fastest journey
i’d ever done
either
to try or help
when hope seems hopeless
the baby is dead
mustafa later said
but then still, it was still
i knew, but couldn’t be told
and didn’t want to know
i could see
the unpalatable answer
to prevent a needless death
entrance and exit switched
carcasses
to a cattle auction
the dead
to a slaughter house
to ruin a family’s dignity
mustafa’s pain
couldn’t speak
death is normal
five minutes later
what’s the problem?
five years later
no birth day remained
as it is
Games Few Win
one last time
a promise hard to keep
one last time
get drugged with ghb
one last time
sex was drugged rape
one more time
police disconnecting dots
one more time
to spot rapist killer
one more time
not even he could stay safe
one last time
instead of party ‘n’ play
one last time
the rest dissolved in acid
one last time
victims of unholy three
one last time
easier said than it’s done
one last time
fun might last long enough
one last time
observing ritual replayed
the last time
bent needle of no return
snorting, smoking, slamming
before we end up dying
meet up at a stranger’s
blind to its fatal dangers
their final port of call
four left dead against a wall
four men die from same slugs
it’s only the gays on drugs
police in duty failing
is it just wrong in barking?
policeman off-duty in borough
in such a monstrous horror
drug psychosis had him beaten
he was then killed ‘n’ eaten
body parts in a wheelie bin
chemsex games few win
hundreds & thousands of gay men
lives ruined again & again
snorting, smoking, slamming
before it’s done and we’re dying
try a last big hooray
to uncover cold feet of clay
I planned it all low key
see this game is not really me
drug tunnel of the dead
then turning, seeing light ahead
Paddington Bear
Arrival label:
Best-laid plans
Mr. Jain my host
Willy-nilly
chillies old men
Left with Jain's letter:
Lonesome rooftop
Indian dreams
Early train drill
fresh bananas
Symbol alone
in marbled white
Amber Fort awe
Pink City heart
Late train clamour
fragile clay cups
Single rooftop
no shelter from
Shy of the truth
if not in dread
Armed with Jain's letters:
By bus, by train
Brave New World
Wander down trails
vast fields of veils
In darkness left
fireflies light
Rooftops glisten
washing away
Saved by Jain's letters:
Unearthly hours
orphans mirrors
Deny my soul
my torment be
Same old rooftop
Same old story
I've got Jain's new map:
Flying mountains
boathouses floated
Punjabi threats
Delhi belly
I reach back home:
Years have passed by
my love prevails
Paddington Bear
sweet heart bitter
'Please look after me'
had gone astray
was called away.
paper bag lunch
breaking white bread.
'Just go and explore'
my place to sleep
would make me weep.
just one rupee
hot sweet wet tea.
Taj Mahal grave
glowing with love
marbled anguish
sandstone facade.
British as tea
tracks of debris.
Mr. Jain and I
the truth I'm shy
I might explore
my heart may pour.
'Please look after him'
by rickshaw too
just nobody knew.
often past tread
stone-blind ahead.
cold stench of fear
black spirit near.
with sweat dripping
rats toe-tripping.
'Please look after him'
mountain ashram
Tomfool I am.
a just release
freedom not peace.
Mr. Jain and I.
if not I lie.
'Feel free to explore'
deep gorges skipped
past fears unzipped.
Kashmiri gunfire
taboo desire.
'Please look after me'
joy and sadness
skirting madness.
looking to care
marmalade hat.