I read about the pencil made by specialization.
It convinced me that I am not special.
I am too soft for the hard jobs like mining and logging.
I am not interested in chemistry.
Maybe I am mistaken in thinking I should enjoy my role.
Then where is the sorting hat to tell me my place?
Whether I am a hunter or gatherer?
What is my comparative advantage?
I am all supply and no demand.
I am a volatile stock.
I eat all the samples at Whole Foods without buying anything.
When I came to visit you
You seemed so happy
I got a roast beef sandwich from Arby’s on the drive up
I was happy
You talked about the friends you had made
We threw a Frisbee around the disc golf course
Even though it was a regular Frisbee and not the disc golf kind
On the drive back Dad told me that you were not actually happy
And that I should not be fooled
Annie and Ruthie never visited
And I didn’t understand why
When you came to visit me I was scared
I was not allowed to eat the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups that Ruthie sent me
You told me that you weren’t drunk
As if I didn’t know the exact face that you make
As if that expression wasn’t branded into my retinas, ad infinitum
And sometimes I wonder if people look into my eyes and see the mark that was left
And if it shows to whom I belong
I was mad
And I told you to leave
You mailed me an Easter basket this year
Inside were some Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
The special egg-shaped ones
I ate them
And these eyes can’t see far enough outside myself to know
Which parts of me are your hand-me-downs
The Nice Guy Awards 2017
When they hold the annual awards show for nicest guy,
I will have prepared my acceptance speech.
Have to thank parents first, that will look good.
And I feel like it’s sincere, anyway.
Next come the friends.
I couldn’t have won it without pretending to want to help carry their groceries.
Of course, I should be prepared for if I don’t win.
I will be a gracious loser.
After all, if I didn’t win, I must have not been the nicest guy.
If I had only nodded a few more times while listening to that story the other day.
But if I’m being impartial here, I really should win.
This year’s field is relatively weak.
The only thing left,
Is to think of a way to parlay this award into getting women I’m interested in to like me.